Take the Elevator
This podcast is purely about elevating people through individual life stories and experiences in the Elevator. In the Elevator, what's key is maybe changing your perspective; having self-actualization; embracing your purpose; and acting on it as we grow from one another. There is a whole different point of view when you look up to elevate.
Take the Elevator
375th Floor: Rebuilding After Estrangement: Finding Your Way Back to Loved Ones
Have you ever experienced the painful distance of an estranged relationship? That space between you and someone you once felt close to—whether a parent, child, or sibling—can feel impossible to bridge. Yet reconciliation might be more possible than you think.
In this raw, unscripted conversation, we pull back the curtain on our personal experiences with family estrangement. Gen courageously shares her journey of reconciliation with her mother for the first time publicly, revealing the emotional complexity of moving from disconnection to healing. We explore what happens in that space between the anger, disappointment, frustration, and eventual clarity that can emerge from separation.
The heart of our discussion centers on what real healing requires. Self-reflection must precede reconciliation; you can't depend on others to heal your emotional wounds. Communication, both with yourself and eventually with the estranged person, forms the foundation for rebuilding trust. We examine how redefining "normal" within relationships creates space for healthier dynamics to emerge.
Perhaps most poignantly, we confront the reality of time—how quickly it passes and how much is lost during periods of estrangement. As the holiday season approaches, this conversation feels especially timely for anyone considering whether reconciliation with an estranged family member might be possible.
Whether you're currently experiencing estrangement or supporting someone who is, this episode offers guidance for navigating the journey from disconnection to reconciliation. The work isn't easy, but as we've discovered firsthand, the reward of rebuilding meaningful relationships makes every difficult conversation worth it.
Look up, and let's elevate.
hey, it's jen the builder, and cory and we just want to say hello to everyone and thank you for being here I yes that, and because two things can be right at the same time.
Speaker 2:I want to say good night, cause I beat from this weekend and the episode is done. No, but Jen, let's talk about this insane weekend that we have had together.
Speaker 1:Insanely good.
Speaker 2:Insanely good, yes, but just how much, how many and how power packed it was yeah, so we knew.
Speaker 1:I knew that, man, this weekend is going to be short, monday's going to be here and that's why I sent that reel on my instagram, um, but Saturday we had a great time. We had Bible study, we got to hang out for a little bit. Then we got home, picked some stuff up, had cousins come over, got ready for a party and I want to pause for this party, because it was one of those parties where you had to wear all white.
Speaker 1:And this wasn't no diddy party that's right, definitely not a diddy party. Um, I don't like white. I don't, you know, have much stuff that's white, but let me tell you it is. You know, I I have to reflect and I'm not going to do right now, but I obsessed, you know, I I have to reflect and I'm not gonna do right now, but I obsessed with what am I gonna wear and I honestly got like three, maybe four and I say maybe four because you can mix match some stuff, but anyways, went to a white party, right yeah and so, um, it worked out good, though it was amazing.
Speaker 1:So we're gonna give a shout out to our little cousin, michelle, who's not so little in age, but she is my youngest female cousin and she just turned 40.
Speaker 1:So we celebrated four decades of an amazing life and it was so my favorite part to the party and there were so many good things there is hearing her children talk about her and what she means to them and what she role models and who she is, and it was just such a huge blessing, I I'm sure, and because it was for me to hear, but for here for her to hear that as well yeah, they just paid massive homage to a mother that has really done everything in her power to raise them properly and to allow them opportunities that you know they might not have had had she not been the kind of mom that she is.
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely. You talk about grit and raising the kids and getting her doctorate. Yeah yeah, she's special. So, michelle, if you're listening, love you, awesome party and I'll do another white party again, I won't be so afraid of it.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Tell us about Sunday so then Sunday, and, mind you, we got home around 12, 1 o'clock, give or take.
Speaker 1:And then we slept After we had In-N-Out.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we did, because I wasn't going to dare marinara sauce at the white party on all my white Just wasn't going to happen. So then we wake up bright and early I was actually up before six because I had some videos to edit and some other things to get through for the the beginning of the week and then we had another party to go to, which was, uh, our sister, jen's biological sister, and my sister-in-law, um, is here from yorkshire, england, which is a long, long, long ways away, and we just wanted to be there and embrace her and welcome her back. She hasn't been here since.
Speaker 2:She was here earlier this year, late last year Late last year, but we only got a day with her on that time, so this is going to be a much better time around.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that was good. So we're going to have her for two weeks. She's got a jam-packed calendar, but we're going to sneak her for two weeks. She's got a jam packed calendar, but we're going to sneak in some days, for sure, I don't know. And I'm going to say this it's really strange, you know, uh, to have a sister who lives in England. Like when we were younger, you don't see this kind of stuff happening, and I really, um appreciate today's episode, corey, because it's not exactly what's going on with my sister living in England, but it does have to do with distancing in a relationship, right, yeah, so this is another great show that Corey has produced. I'm here for it. I have no notes, so just, you know, just buckle in with me and Corey and let's talk about this.
Speaker 2:Let the pieces fall where they may.
Speaker 2:Yes, so, jen, you know, I had a situation that happened maybe a few days ago, where I had this conversation with a friend of mine who is a parent, and his son and him are estranged, and so I was asking questions about what that looked like, and and did he see any future in them recovering, gaining ground to build back their relationship?
Speaker 2:And so let's start with the word estranged first, before we get too deep into this, because I want everyone to know exactly what that word means. That word means, and so, if you're an estranged parent, it refers to a relationship with a child where there has been prolonged loss of contact and communication, often due to negative relationships characterized by factors like abuse, neglect or fundamental disagreements on values and lifestyle choices. So he was explaining to me that his son has lifestyles that he doesn't agree with, and so it has drove them further and further apart, and it prompted me to really dive deep into this, this topic. And, um, I said, man, you know, I'm sure there's a lot of people, because I've had, you know, my moments where me and my mom were estranged and same with me and, uh, one of my children, uh, one of our children. But you know we'll get deep into that in just a second. But, jen, just give me your surface level input on someone being estranged from estranged, estranged, estranged it's a strange word.
Speaker 1:My overall thought is at surface, it doesn't sound like something positive in someone's life to estrange yourself from a parent or from your child, right, right, just distancing feels like it's conflict avoidant, yeah. And then there's the sacrifice of the relationship because of that.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:So that's first and foremost. But I'm not going to lie. I've been in estranged relationships. Yes, one with my own mother, one with a sibling, right. And so was it over abuse? No, but it was over us growing up, finding ourselves, trying to find our voices really lining up with our own values. That didn't necessarily align with the others, right? So, um, thankfully, that's not the situation currently, nor do I see it ever being that again. Right, did I? Do I think that it had to happen? Yes, was it hard when it happened and while it was happening? Absolutely.
Speaker 2:So those are my first thoughts. So you just really cracked the egg open and let it start sizzling already. We can't dial back what's already been put out there. So my question to you is when, in that state, what are the emotions? And all I got is you to ask this. You know, um, so I really gotta go with the momentum at this point. What, what are the the emotions that are happening, and what are the consequences and the effects of this developing situation?
Speaker 1:that's a loaded question because it's loaded with emotions yeah right. It's almost like grieving because it is a loss. When I was estranged from my mom, that was a huge loss of a relationship. But here's the thing the loss of the relationship actually caused us to find a healthy relationship. Okay, say more. So, my mom and I had a lot of resentment, but then I thought I forgave her. You know that kind of way right but we never talked about it.
Speaker 1:We just kind of swept it under the rug, like we always did years ago, and so so things just came up. You know, it surfaced, we were in muddy water, like it just stirred up.
Speaker 2:Let me jump in real quick because I see what's happening. You're stirring up some emotion right now, as you said you would First question emotion. Right now, as you said, you would um first question do you see recovery from an estranged relationship without communication?
Speaker 1:without communication. Yes, no no, eventually there has to be communication. Why? Because communication is such a huge part of a relationship. Like without communication there is no relationship or it will eventually break down.
Speaker 2:And I'm glad you said that. I'm so glad you said that. I'm going to tell you why there are people on this earth that believe that we don't have to communicate to get along, we don't have to share things with one another in order for us to coexist in a relationship. And so you're saying it's not a relationship. Okay, and I'm glad you're saying that, because I don't disagree with you, but I just really want to put that out there because there's some people that have that mindset yeah, next.
Speaker 2:Next question, or do you want to?
Speaker 1:go. Well, let me say something, because I didn't address your question.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 1:And for those who are listening. Yes, I'm struggling because this is not. I have not out loud talked about the estranged relationship with my family.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:That has been something that's been very secret, very internal, between them and me.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And, of course, you. So I'm trying to find my words for things that I'm talking out loud for the first time. The emotions I went through I was angry, I was disappointed, I was sad, I was frustrated um, I felt empowered at times, and I think that was a false sense of empowerment. More like you can get through this, so I but I learned a lot of things along the way. It gave me time to reflect and really think about things. I definitely missed her, right, and you get clarity. I think it's the same. It's the same outcome as a pause.
Speaker 1:This was a super long pause, though, but see, here's the thing. You mentioned communication. I didn't stop communicating, though. What I mean is I wasn't communicating with her. I was communicating with myself and asking questions, talking to you about it and just getting it out and sorting it through, and my big communication during that time and still is is being in prayer, because I had to hold on to hope. I just knew that this was not how this relationship was supposed to be, but I also knew that it had to change, right.
Speaker 2:Pretty deep stuff there and I see how it's hard to unpack that in real time. And, guys, I'm going to be really honest with you, I did not give jen any briefing on this, so, uh, she, she's really struggling right here right now, in front of all of us.
Speaker 1:So thank you in advance for understanding. Bear with us yeah, um.
Speaker 2:So, jen, give me some understanding of once you realize that this needs to come. And I'm not asking for details and I know some people probably want some, but you know that that's not. That's neither here or there. We're trying to learn something here. We're trying to learn when you have to tell end of this and you realize there's a way into a productive and healed relationship. What was the thought process?
Speaker 1:Say that one more time, I'm sorry.
Speaker 2:You have to tell end of this estranged relationship. You see, there's hope for there to be healing and a complete relationship. What is this? What is the thought process?
Speaker 1:well the thought process I knew when um I had asked, said I want this relationship to be healed, and I know that there are things that I'm responsible and need to take accountability for as well.
Speaker 1:So let me focus on that. First and foremost, I needed to be open, and just open to at any time, because we are family, we are going to see each other, we are going to talk and do I continue with the small talk or do we build a new baseline by talking about the things that we've ignored and really making the time and putting in the energy and the thoughtfulness and opening up my heart with understanding and grace so we can get to that space of being healthy? Right, I mean I wanted, I wanted to be able to tell my mom I love you, but that was not, that was not normal language between her and I. Right, and um, yeah, and so if someone had told me I held him right now, if someone had told me 20 years ago that my mom and I would be in the kind of relationship that we're in now, I believe in miracles, so I probably would have said, okay, that's a miracle, but I believe in them.
Speaker 2:I just don't see how that's going to happen right, yeah, um, I I have to give my side of it because, uh, I was going through this at the same time you were going through it and and it was, oh, go ahead.
Speaker 1:No, yeah, I wanted to ask that because I'm not alone in this. What impacts me, impacts you.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And so to have your side and your perspective of this breakdown.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You know what was that like?
Speaker 2:It was tough, and not for me, but it was tough for me to watch you go through it. It was. It was tough to see a woman who is so freely giving feelings, emotions, love, and watching you not be able to give that, not be able to call out those things. I love you, um, come by, or can I come by, or I'm, I'm in the neighborhood and we had had, you know, glimpses of that early in our relationship and then that it was abruptly taken away for whatever reason. And that it was abruptly taken away for whatever reason, and all I could do at that moment was really just be there. Sometimes you just didn't want any advice.
Speaker 1:You didn't want to hear rationale or how to fix it. It's probably the emotion of being mad, yeah, or?
Speaker 2:betrayed, right yeah, and, in all honesty, there were times when I knew it's not going to get fixed right now. We just got to wait until the right time. In terms that you can understand is when it's raining, when it's flooding and storming outside and you know it's dangerous to go outside right now. If I leave the house right now, I could risk my own life. It was that bad in terms of how the relationship was going, and so I was very conscious to say, hey, let's not go out there right now, let's not try to work this out just yet.
Speaker 1:It's not safe absolutely, you're really good about that. And then you were. I noticed when you nudged or you would bring something up, and it was very helpful to be able to talk things out with you and just ask the questions and of course you weren't judging yet you were firm and clear about men. Maybe you didn't agree with my train of thought, or you gave me another thought process right, another perspective. Thought process right, yeah, another perspective. So that was really helpful. And I have to say this, journaling during that time was huge for me. Like I remember some of the prompts that would come my way, like without thinking of no, or there's this barrier, or that could never happen. Just having a vision of what a healthy relationship with my mom would be like, like, yeah, what does that feel like, what does it look like? And to be today in that is pretty amazing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I'll say this I just have to take a page out of my strained relation relationship every time I got to a point to where and I try not to let let it linger and last too long but what I started to realize is that I'm blaming, I'm being blamed and we're just in this vicious cycle yeah and you.
Speaker 2:It just feels like it's never ending that the go around and turn around like, well, you did this and, but you didn't do this, you didn't do that, and you don't see it my way and you don't, I don't see it your way, and, and so what I finally came to the conclusion is I can't control you, you can't control me, but I can control me and you can control you.
Speaker 2:And if we work really, really hard at just doing that, one simple act, me controlling myself and giving grace where it's needed, because nobody's ever going to make all the best decisions, all the right decisions and you know, like you said, we're family and I and I just really want to nail this one home and then I'm gonna pass it over to you, but, um, we are nicer to complete and total strangers and that truth, sometimes most of the time and some of these strangers have done heinous things to us, called us out of our names, talked about our families, uh, attempt to hurt our children, um, I mean, the list is very lengthy and it's very deep and we still figure out a way to deal with that person.
Speaker 2:But the person that is in our family, who we know, if we just sit for a few seconds and say that's just not an evil person, that's not a person that really wants to do harm to me. But we're willing to hold and harbor these feelings and I just think it'd be a little bit easier to just try to look past that.
Speaker 1:For sure, for sure. So I have a question for you. Sure, being estranged to now being back in a relationship with that person. What does that shift look like? What does it consist of?
Speaker 2:Well for me, first I had to heal myself, and that is a real thing. For me, Self-healing is essential. You have to go through that process in order to move forward, and that way you know it's complete. If you're banking and hoping that someone else can heal you or help you through some emotional baggage that you've created yourself or you've allowed to happen in a relationship between two people, and that person is off doing their own thing, you have to be able to reflect on what's going to better you, what's going to aid you in being a better person. So that's the starting point, first and foremost. And then second and I'll make this short is just taking that first step to say I want to work past this, I want to work through this, I want to make sure that I don't live here for the rest of my life.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I'd like to add to that. And I'd like to add to that, using this story with my mom, I knew that we had to redefine what was normal for us, because what was normal before wasn't working Right. To take place between her and I and I agree with you, corey, self-healing absolutely a must. Forgiveness, compassion on yourself needs to take place, because then you can extend that to the other person, right? And what really just got me is that we allowed so much time to be taken from us when it was really actions done by other people, right, you know what I mean. So I knew that when my mom and I were building back our relationship, we did have or I did, I'll just speak for myself I had to express myself. I had to stay in the moment of those emotions and welcome them and relive some of the things that I didn't want to, you know, bring back. But I knew that I had to right and just hear her. It wasn't time for me to vent about it again. I've done that before.
Speaker 1:so here's the thing you got to change your approach yeah if you want to change this, change a situation, that's like a must and also be aware of like okay, these are the things that got us estranged. Let me be very thoughtful and intentional about my future actions and the things that I say, and not be careless.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Because you don't want to go back.
Speaker 2:Right, absolutely, and I agree a hundred percent.
Speaker 2:As a matter of fact, I was, just before you said that, sitting here saying we probably should call out what's abnormal first to ourselves, not to one another and and if you can say you know what, that's probably not the most baseline thing or the normal thing that I could say or that she could say or that they could say. So I want to approach that differently, um, in the future, and it might not be the best idea to call it out right away, but you're just talking to yourself like, okay, I just got yelled at for absolutely no reason. That's not a normal situation that I'm used to. I haven't been yelled at in eons by my mom, sister, brother. Yeah, you know, whatever it is. And here we are in this position. So then, moving forward, you could say I'm going to address that if this should happen again, and if it happens again, be prepared. Hey, you know, let's refrain from yelling at each other and then move on quickly.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and we didn't. We didn't say the F word here and it's not what everyone thinks.
Speaker 1:It's forgiveness, oh yeah yeah um, and not just an action, but truly from the heart, forgiveness and just releasing the walls that you've built up, the thoughts you've already formed, the assumptions you've made. Like that has to be released. Um, and so, yeah, and it's, and it's worth the work and calling things out respectfully and in love, so you don't have to go through the whole thing again. Um, and I just want to say that I love that we're having this topic right now, because, yes, it's september, but before you know it, it's like time for the holidays yeah and I miss being with my family.
Speaker 1:There was a time where me, my brother and sister were not in the same place with my mom. Like seriously, my mom had to go spend time with different kids at different times. It was that bad, and just over the weekend we were together and it was beautiful and it was fun Laughter yeah. I mean and you know, I know we always say this, but I just I don't care. I don't care if it's repeated information, we don't get the time back no, we don't you just gotta ask yourself, like, is it really worth the lost time, right?
Speaker 1:um, when you love somebody, yes, it's worth figuring it out and forgiving and talking it out and working it out and being together in partnership, and again, quickly, not taking your time.
Speaker 2:Time is a commodity, like you said, you can't get it back. And once you know that, instead of wasting time and throwing away time, being mad and reliving the same story over and over and over every day, every other day, every christmas, every thanksgiving, move forward quickly well, can you say more about that?
Speaker 1:because, um, I think there was too much time lost there, but I also knew there needed to be time separate. So what are you talking about?
Speaker 2:as far as quickly, so in any situation that has gone awry we know the part that we've played the best thing to do is heal. Heal yourself first, quickly okay, got you and it's up to that other person to heal themselves.
Speaker 1:And yes, okay, I hear you because we can take the time just ruminating yeah and telling that story over and over and over yeah and then you just get sucked in and it gets deeper and darker. Okay, I got you now.
Speaker 2:It's a vicious cycle that we can't get out of everybody we talk to we're telling that story. Yeah, every every time we got a moment to ourselves, we're telling ourselves that.
Speaker 1:Absolutely so. I think for me, as we come to an end, I would really hope and encourage you who are listening, and if someone or something has come to your mind, honor it. Stay there, like what is that about? So stay there, like what is that about? How do I start the self-healing process? What do I need to do? What does this look like? And just start on that small step. Yeah, I think time is very limited. I mean it's not and that's not like a ooh, that was deep. I mean we all know this. And it's so funny because the things we know we take for granted, and I've seen this happen one too many times in my life and other people's lives, where they always regret that they didn't do what they were supposed to do and then it was too late, you know, and that really reminds me of our weekend. I love the honor in the life of our cousin while she's still alive, right, yeah, and not it not being something that's shared after her life is over.
Speaker 2:We literally gave her her flowers while she's still alive.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, is there anything you want to say before we close?
Speaker 2:No, jen, this has been a great episode. I mean, I do want to mention this and I hate to throw this in there on top of that, so I won't do it.
Speaker 1:All right. Well, everybody, we hope that you have a good week and that you take good care of yourselves and each other. Yeah, you know us to take the elevator. We say look up and let's elevate.
Speaker 2:You know everybody's wondering what I was going to say look up and let's elevate Every day. You know everybody's wondering what I was going to say right yeah.
Speaker 1:Every day. I personally was thinking you're going to be getting announced Every day, but I'll never know Next time. Every day, every day.
