Take the Elevator
This podcast is purely about elevating people through individual life stories and experiences in the Elevator. In the Elevator, what's key is maybe changing your perspective; having self-actualization; embracing your purpose; and acting on it as we grow from one another. There is a whole different point of view when you look up to elevate.
Take the Elevator
373rd Floor: Triggers, Trauma, and Taking Ownership
Have you ever wondered why certain situations trigger such strong emotional reactions in you? The answer often lies buried in past trauma that's resurfacing in unexpected ways.
Gen and Kory share their personal journeys, delving into the intricate connection between trauma and triggers. They bravely recount how their own past pain influenced their behaviors, relationships, and even parenting styles. Kory's story of healing from childhood bullying, which later became triggers in professional settings, and Gen's experience of her trauma imposing unnecessary limitations on her children, are both profoundly moving and relatable.
The hosts explore critical questions like: How do we differentiate between what's real in the present moment versus what's leftover from our past? What happens when we stop expecting others to understand or accommodate our triggers? And how might reframing our perspective on triggering situations lead to personal growth?
Whether you're grappling with your own triggers or supporting someone who is, this episode offers compassionate insights and practical tools for breaking free from the grip of trauma. Gen and Kory stress that while your trauma may have influenced you, it doesn't have to dictate your future. The episode equips you with actionable steps to transform your relationship with past pain.
Ready to take the first step towards healing and transform your relationship with past pain? Tune in now to this insightful episode.
Look up, and let's elevate.
Hey, it's Jen the Builder, and. Corey and we're on Take the Elevator and I'm wondering if you all can tell that I'm smiling on take the elevator. And I'm wondering if you all can tell that I'm smiling and the reason why I say that is I took a refresher on a customer experience type, of course, and it just reminded me that they say to smile when you speak, even if someone can't see you, because your smile can be seen even if over the phone or on a podcast. What do you think?
Speaker 2:I like it. I like it a lot. As a matter of fact, you know what, when you're smiling, it gives off an energy, so I'm sure that that's something that's really, really true, jen. It's been really hot.
Speaker 1:You're making my smile go away. It has been super hot. Strange for California to have heat like this, with a certain level of humidity and thunderstorms.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, we did have that, huh.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And then a couple weeks ago we had an earthquake, mm-hmm, and it was a pretty bad shaker there.
Speaker 1:Mm-hmm no pun intended. Right. So I don't know if it's going to cool down. So I don't know if it's going to cool down. I have a feeling that here in Southern California, people are going to be dressed up for what's coming real soon. Here is Halloween, and they're going to be super duper hot under all that makeup and costuming.
Speaker 2:Yeah, probably so, but you know what? That's the cool thing about California You're going to get some of the seasonal weather one way or another, even if people, because you know what happens. It gets just a little bit cold and all the women break out in boots like overnight oh yeah, we can't wait for that especially.
Speaker 1:I'm gonna speak for all women in Southern California. We love the moment weather changes so we can layer our clothing and wear boots, in fact, over the weekend. Here's some of my highlights over the weekend.
Speaker 2:This is where it gets funny.
Speaker 1:I ordered two pairs of cowboy boots. But get this, ladies, you can be excited for me and I thank you in advance. Have, uh, shop. It toured quite a bit. Um, and they have what they call hot cash, and then it's almost my birthday, so I get a gift for that. And on top of that, their boots were on clearance. So I literally yeah, I literally spent $4 on a pair of black cowboy boots. That is so not fair $4.
Speaker 2:That is not fair. Ah, life is not fair, this is true, I would love to spend $4 on a pair of shoes, because you know what I ended up paying for shoes.
Speaker 1:So you just want to not talk about that.
Speaker 2:Not at all.
Speaker 1:Okay, okay, not talk about that, not at all, okay, okay. So I love that we're having these conversations and there's certain things that we talk about that, unbeknownst to anyone else, can be a trigger or remind us of trauma that we've had yes right absolutely um, I can.
Speaker 1:For example, I can connect really quick when we were younger parents and going through the struggle. Remember we talked about this a couple weeks ago that today we don't take things for granted like being able to buy a pair of shoes when we want to much less need to right. Remember, remember, we had three kids growing up at the same time and growing out of their shoes so quickly and it was a challenge for us to get new shoes at times.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And so that can be very much a trigger because it was traumatic, right. So that's what we're going to talk about today. We're going to talk about something deeply personal, yet universal, and it's trauma and triggers, and I'm just going to start off with the truth that we're bringing forward here for elevation, and please stay with us. We can talk through this, but here it is. People don't need to carry or remember our trauma, right, right, it's not their job.
Speaker 2:At the end of the day and at the beginning of a beautiful life, if we can do this, it's ours to manage, understand and grow from yeah and I want to start with this from my side of things, jim if, if this is a subject or a podcast that may trigger you because we're going to be talking about some pretty personal things that happen to us or that trigger us and so if these things trigger you or they give you some kind of feeling, I'm just going to ask you to.
Speaker 2:If you need to take a break, please take a break. If you are feeling emotional about it, it's okay. I actually went through this while having this, when I had to have this conversation with Jen, first because I needed to talk through some of the trauma that I've experienced as a kid and then as a young adult and then as an adult, and it's a real thing, and I'm shocked at all the things that came out. But yeah, I want to share this stuff with you guys. I want to be transparent and I want you guys to buckle in and get what you need out of this conversation absolutely, and I want to thank you in advance, cory, for just being so open during this episode.
Speaker 1:you and I have had conversations about some of your past traumas, um, but for you to just share it here, to connect with people, listening, is something so noteworthy. So one of the things, the reason why this episode came to me, is number one. I was listening to an audible version of Mel Robbins book let them, the let them theory and she had mentioned something and it just opened my mind and I remembered certain things. So I remember that, because I hadn't healed or let go of my trauma, that my children, mckayla, nathan, specifically, um, sometimes had to carry the weight of my childhood experiences, right. So that's interesting. Because I'm the adult, I'm the parent, and yet because I was behaving and living off my trauma and using that as a justification for my behavior, my kids learned my trauma and carried that with them, and that's a hard thing to confess.
Speaker 1:Tell me about it, you know it's like wow, I did that, and there was some suffering around that, for sure, and healing that needed to take place. And I think, before we go further, corey, I just want to say that what we hope for today in this episode, is healing the beginnings of that and just conversation around it. Yeah, yeah. So let's talk about trauma real quick. We want to define this just in case. The trauma is a wound from the past, right, and the trigger is the reaction we experience in the present when that wound is touched, so that wound has been reactivated, and then we react accordingly. So, corey, I'm going to ask you if you can think of an example for us where something that was done in good intention was interpreted as something negative because of past trauma was interpreted as something negative because of past trauma.
Speaker 2:Sure, so I'll say it like this what I continue to always experience and I deal with trauma a totally different way now than I used to in my past happens that makes it really sensitive is when leadership doesn't listen to advice or suggestions that I give. I know you're a part of a leadership group and so I'm dancing around some probably sensitive things with you, and if anyone out there is in leadership, I'm not trying to trigger anyone or bring up any trauma, but that's one of the things that really bring forth that moment of angst.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I'll tell you what it does for me, corey, and I can't wait to hear your elaboration on that, but I want to share with you what it does for me is I don't get defensive for all leadership because, let's be real, we're human and flawed, and I know, and I've seen things for myself too. So what it does is it makes me sad. You know it can be frustrating too, right? Just because of my value of being a leader is so important. So, yeah, it's just sad to hear when people experience negative events because of a leader's behavior and I want to say this we don't know if it's intentional or not.
Speaker 2:No, we don't.
Speaker 1:What the awareness level is there?
Speaker 2:Right, okay, so yeah, that's a sensitive area from the trauma that I experienced as a younger person.
Speaker 1:When they don't listen to you.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:What is it about that that? What is that trigger?
Speaker 2:So I'd have to go back into the actual experience so that you'll have a better understanding, because it actually has nothing to do with the workplace. It has to do with just growing up and experiencing being a child and being bullied and actually telling someone that's in authority this is what's happening and they dismiss it as it's just kid stuff. It's just the way kids are and you'll get over it. You'll grow up and it happens to everyone, or it's not as big of a deal as you're making it.
Speaker 1:Right, so they make it less than what it is to you.
Speaker 2:Right. So what happened to me was it began to translate in other ways. A lot of times people don't understand that what you're doing today has something to do with what happened to this person many, many years ago. You're just not seeing the beginnings of it. You're seeing a result of it long-term.
Speaker 1:Right, right. So when that particular situation happened with that leader, how did you respond once it activated that trigger?
Speaker 2:Well, when I was not dealing with the trauma properly, I responded in anger Like did you not hear what I'm saying? I'm talking to you, I'm telling you there's something going on, there's something wrong, people need help, people need to be seen, and so, of course, that reaction is overreaction from past hurt, past pain and me not understanding how to get a message across, but feeling like I'm an adult now. So you should be listening to me, you should be hearing what I'm telling you.
Speaker 1:Okay, and so you mentioned that. That's what your reaction was before the healing. So can you talk to us about what it took to heal and release the trauma.
Speaker 2:Oh, my, yeah. Now, that was a journey that took some time, effort, energy, counseling, long conversations, trying to understand where this originally started. Was it this, was it that you know? And when I say this, like you know, you can go back into your past and try to figure out exactly when the bullying started or who was the bully that really pushed you over the edge, and sometimes that's helpful.
Speaker 2:For me, it wasn't so helpful.
Speaker 2:What was more helpful to me was to talk my way through what I was feeling, and I was just angry because I didn't have any allies, I didn't have anyone I could just go to and say help me, let me help me get past this Walk with me from point A to point B, so I don't have to be in fear or remove this from me, so I don't have to be in fear. And so again, a lot of talking, a lot of counseling, a lot of understanding that it wasn't my fault, and a lot of times I was saying it's my fault If I had a had, if I only had a brother, if I only had some cousins, if I only had you know, you have all these rationales that you think would solve the problem, but then you hear of stories from talking to people that they had plenty of brothers, they had plenty of cousins they had, and sometimes the cousins and brothers were the bullies so you know, it just is you really start thinking like, well, that wouldn't have helped, uh, that wouldn't have worked.
Speaker 1:But you know, yeah, it was a lot of talk, a lot of counseling, um, some therapy, uh, and and yes, I'm a big proponent for therapy- definitely yeah so important and I love what you were saying about, along with therapy and counseling is there's a lot of self-talk, and I was just reading this article that said people who talk out loud or are in dialogue with themselves is very healthy. It actually prevents alzheimer's and dementia. Oh wow, to talk things out, because you're not ignoring them, right, you're bringing things to light. So another thing that stuck out to me as you were saying what you were saying is that owning our triggers doesn't mean ignoring the trauma. So you intentionally put yourself in a space where you had to it sounds like relive your trauma. Who's who? You started blaming self, and so healing from trauma is the opposite of self-doubt, self-blame, and it goes into that space of compassion for self.
Speaker 2:Yeah of compassion for self, yeah, understanding that you did not cause people to act the way they did, right. And I just want to be clear that was not one of my first steps to healing. Uh, one of my steps that wasn't healing but I thought was going to be a solution. I'll grow up, I'll get bigger and whoever I find gets a punch in the mouth right, I'll get them, I'll show, I'll get them, I'll show them and they'll learn their lesson.
Speaker 2:And you, quickly, if you're talking this through, you're saying that won't teach anybody anything. As a matter of fact, it's going to get me in trouble, it's going to have me in a really bad space and and trying to figure out why did I do this? I knew that wasn't the answer. Now look at what I've done. I've created another problem and I'm still dealing with this trauma.
Speaker 1:Right, so it's got the ripple effect.
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:So it's interesting as we're talking, you have pretty much. You're on this road and here you are. Your trauma is in your face and right now you have the decision to continue to carry it with you and maybe expect people to know that it's a part of you and they respond, or they get to choose how to be there for you, or you take the other road, where you face it and you let it go. Now, by letting it go, we're not saying that it didn't happen. No, not at all. Corey, you were talking to me and I love the analogy, as we were talking about what to do with past trauma. Do you remember what you said?
Speaker 2:I do and, if it's okay, I'll briefly go through that again, but I'll tell you in detail how I realize I have to do something about this yeah um, too many times you're.
Speaker 2:You're reenacting the same thing over and over and over. You know all the triggers, you know all the positions, you see all the candidates or players, characters, whatever you want to call it and you're like, oh my God, I'm right back in that neighborhood doing the same thing all over again. So what I did as an adult, after dealing with my trauma, my triggers and talking it through, I went back to that neighborhood, I drove over there by myself and I vowed to bury it. I took it to a space, a physical space and a mental space okay where this was.
Speaker 2:This is now the graveyard of this trauma and I dug a hole, a mental hole, a physical hole, and it's not mine. I'm not carrying this anymore. Those people, those, those actions, those words and I mean when you talk about bullying, especially in the community I grew up in, it was very physical, it was very emotional and it was attached to family. It was attached to me as a person, who I was going to be, what my destiny was, you know. So I had to bury all that stuff and walk away and not look back and know that's where it is. I'm not going back to it, I'm not going to entertain it anymore and those conversations are over.
Speaker 1:Wow, that is such an intentional way of being for you to figure out. I need to go to that place and physically go to manifest this healing and let it be a real, actual, tangible space.
Speaker 2:And I was an emotional wreck. So I just want to be really clear about that. That was not a happy moment for me where I was smiling and laughing and singing songs. A lot of tears, a lot of gut-wrenching truth about who I am as a person. You know, some people carry that with them so long that they turn into someone else. I didn't want it to change me. I didn't want it to be the thing that broke me. I already had so many different things going against me that adding one, two, three more things could really alter the person that I knew I was supposed to be. So I needed to be able to move on from that and if you know me, you'll know I'm purposefully different. When high stress, high tension comes about, I change my demeanor on purpose because I know what I could do. But that's not going to help anyone, right?
Speaker 1:Yeah, right. So even though you've buried it in the present, there are still moments that trigger you right or activate you.
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:So what do you do in those instances instead of overreacting? How do you control that?
Speaker 2:Let me start with this. I never just speak, especially when I'm angry. I always think before I speak. A lot of times I'll take a deep breath on purpose, I'll give myself five seconds, sometimes 10, depending on the level of anger that's coming about, and I'm attempting to reduce anger number one. Number two to have a clear thought, opposed to just saying whatever's on my mind. I never just say what's on my mind. Very few people have ever just heard Corey's thoughts raw and unfiltered. I'm a high filter individual and I'm careful about how I respond to people.
Speaker 2:careful about how I respond to people.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I'm not trying to hurt anyone or responding in anger.
Speaker 1:Right, and I can attest to that because we've been together for decades and when you and I first got together, we didn't talk so much about the details of our past trauma, talk so much about the details of her past trauma. Right, I had did not realize, actually, that you were bullied till we were way into our relationship like this was not anything I discovered in the first eight years of our marriage.
Speaker 1:Honestly, yeah and so I think about all the times where my way of communicating could have been seen as bullying, or my desire demand to do the thing now. Why aren't you doing this now, did you so? You didn't expect me to know the landmine. I was stepping in and I think that's where I'm going, because I've been in that place and I don't know. If you have cory with people where they carry their trauma, they let it be known. They don't give the details, just let they let it be known.
Speaker 1:And you're walking on eggshells because you don't know if what you're saying or how you're behaving is going to activate them or trigger them, right, right. So again, here we are on this road and we can go one of two ways, and I say that the one way where you bury it, where you deal with it, where you recognize the things that trigger you, right, that's important too. So you, you've, like you almost have like this plan okay, this is what I know triggers me, and how am I going to process this? Right, how am I going to react? So I'm going to be come aware, I'm going to pause. I have a choice.
Speaker 1:Like you said, I you filter like intensely right. So, on the left side of this road. You bury it. It brings healing, and what it actually does is it gives you power. And I'm saying this from a very personal space, because if you choose to carry it, you give up your power, and the trauma that took that power away to begin with continues to be this massive ripple effect that now has taken over your life, your relationships, your way of thinking and the way you move through life.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and Ken, you just nailed that on the head, because pretty much what's happening is, every time you're triggered and that trauma surfaces, you're able to unload it. So you're able to set it down for a second, yeah, and in that moment, after unloading which is usually some kind of act that you're doing you feel really, really good. But then you got to go pick that trauma up all over again and it's even heavier and you're more tired more weakened because you keep on dealing with this thing.
Speaker 1:That's happening over and over and over and now because you have that bias of okay, this is what triggers me, like everything that people do now is a trigger yeah right, because that's what you're looking for. So I'm just going to share from my personal story that I shared earlier on in this episode, what I was doing, because I decided not to heal from it, not to bury it is. It took the freedom of my kids to live their lives. This is going to sound funny and I'm going to share one of them.
Speaker 1:I did not let Kayla go into a store by herself or go to the restroom without one minute public restroom without one minute passing, and her brothers would check on her to make sure she was okay, it's. It's sad that you know it's go ahead.
Speaker 2:Just just say it, don't filter no, it's sad, but it's um understandable and I'll explain that. I'm not justifying any behavior right now, but what I'm saying is that parents have to do some things that they really don't want to do, and that's a different kind of trauma, because now you're, you're, you're in protection mode, fight or flight, you're, you're basically relying on those instincts that will keep you safe, keep your children safe. It's just a, it's a different scenario when it opposed to when it's something directly with you. So, um did, did the boys feel a little bit some kind of way like man, like this girl can't even go to the bathroom yes, yes, and I'm so glad that you stepped in and I what.
Speaker 1:I love that you did for me, because here's where people don't have to carry. You didn't carry my trauma, but you were my support. Yeah Right, two different things. And so you said you weaned me into this process. You said it's just Ralph's, she's going to pick up a couple of things. We're going to have her go in there, pay for it. She'll be fine, come out. If she's not out, let's say 15 minutes, I'll check on her. If she's not out, let's say 15 minutes, I'll check on her. And then in the 15 minutes that we're in the car, you kept me occupied with conversation. It was light, it was easy. She came out and then I'm like, oh okay, it wasn't bad.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And so that's how he took those steps to healing right, and so that's how he took those steps to healing. And then I started to see how confining my trauma was on our kids, right, you know.
Speaker 1:And then you just realize they've got to be freed from this and this isn't fair and it's not fair to me to because that's not compassion on myself to keep carrying it Right, right. So yeah, thank you for that. It was good, it was really good, and I don't think it took that long either. That was the interesting thing. I thought it was going to take me years to be able to take back this and walk in faith, and that was a big thing, like I was not leaning into in faith, and that was a big thing, like I was not leaning into my faith. It was the one thing, or the two things, that I needed to hold on to, because I need control of this or else it could go really wrong. Right.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:And I realized I'm not in control of anyone and nothing at all times. That's just, that's impossible, yeah Right. So what I learned is the implications of this is that when you take the road to heal, to let go, to seek counseling and therapy understanding this is going to take time, having compassion on on yourself, putting things into place that are going to help you process and and rise above a trigger is that you get to experience healthier relationships. There's less miscommunication, right, right, you're, you're seeing, you're you're heard, other people are seen and heard, and there's more peace. I can't even begin to describe how chaotic and how just you're always in fear. That is not a way to live no, it's not.
Speaker 2:And I just want to jump in there and say you know, there's always more to the story that is going on for other people while you're in the depths or in the grip of your trauma. And so I'm going to connect why I was so triggered by leaders because I was thinking that there was something that could be done immediately. There's an answer, there's a solution somewhere in here. What I wasn't taking into consideration is that there's other things happening, there's other moving parts to what I'm asking them to do or what I'm expecting of them, and why they're not able to respond in the way I want them to. And sometimes they didn't want to respond, maybe because of the way I was even bringing it to them.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So I have to say that I was smiling on my face, like I did in the beginning of this episode, because I love that perspective. When we're working with other people and we have these expectations and they fail to meet them and we don't look at what we know is fact and truth and then we make things up and don't exercise compassion on them.
Speaker 2:Right, right yeah. Saying like there's clearly, clearly I don't know everything here there's got to be something yeah, I think, and I'm not sure who came up with it first, but we had to start asking each other what else could be true the ah question. What story are you telling yourself? Yeah, and this happens so often because we have situations at work, at home, with our friends, with our children, and things are said and we just created this entire scenario, this entire story based on, a lot of times, our trauma, and so this story that's living in our heads rent free has been created.
Speaker 2:It wasn't what really happened. And then if you ever go back and have that conversation, as I have, and said, hey, were you thinking this, what is this? What was really going on? Did you, did you feel this way? And that person is like what are you talking about? Right I just said I couldn't do it right now. I had every intentions on doing it, but where'd the rest of that come from?
Speaker 1:yeah, it reminds me of you know, with my recent transition in my career. Um, my, my boss says just checking to make sure that you still want to do this, right? I pause. My story was does she not want me? There is she. Is she like trying to get me to say no?
Speaker 2:I don't yes, exactly.
Speaker 1:And can you? What, what like? Why would that even be a thing? So the way you buried your trauma, the bullying cory, I want to say that there, um, is something that actually my boss does, that I have not yet experienced, but she's worked with groups where there's a release of old stories, or we could say, in this case maybe release of the, the old trauma, and people would write it down, right, and they take the paper um, acknowledge it, let it go and then physically they rip the paper up in pieces and they either burn it like there's a bonfire going or this one's really cool they have a pot, soil or ground and soil. They bury it, drop new seeds and let that spring forth, right, new life. So it's releasing the old, burying it and expecting new life. So it's releasing the old, bearing it, man, I'm telling you, expecting new life it's a real thing.
Speaker 2:It's a real thing to let it go and bury it. And yes, I wrote it down and I went through all the prompts and it was hard. It was very difficult because, let's be honest, we don't want to bury trauma sometimes. Sometimes that's my trauma, that's what I'm used to carrying around.
Speaker 2:That's what I'm used to dealing with. I'm not letting that go. I need this. This anger is helping me get through day to day, but is it really? Or is it breaking you down? Is it hurting you? Is it removing your joy? Is it making people look at you in another light? And that's what I had to finally come to grips with. Like, how are people viewing me when I'm acting this way? And it was embarrassing when I began to play it back and really listen to what my mouth was allowing me to be viewed as you know and I say it because we hear what we say and we're like oh my God, did I really just say that? Did I really just go there? Yeah, are those words really coming out of my mouth? And yes, they were, and I, and so I have to take accountability for that for sure, for sure.
Speaker 1:So one of the tools that we'd like to add here. We've given quite a few, and that this isn't the full list. There's so much more there. But speaking of and what else could be true, here's a great question for reframing what's real in this moment so real is the operative word here versus what's left over from the past.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:Right. So what's real in this moment and what's left over from the past? Make this real when my boss asks you know, oh, do you still want to come over to this team? Um, leftover from the past was traumatizing events of rejection from when I was younger. Yeah, and it's amazing how those things creep up. And having conversations like this gives me awareness. Oh man, that trauma, that post-trauma of being rejected, is there, although I've buried it, I've forgiven it, but again, it does not mean it didn't happen, no, and there's still residue.
Speaker 2:but reframing is important and I'll tell you. You said that my immediate uh emotion was like oh, you're checking on me, you want me that bad, all right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, oh, I love that. What a beautiful way to think of that. Oh, you don't want to lose me, right? You want to make sure I'm a for sure thing. There you go, okay.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:See, that's beautiful, thank you.
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:Thank you. Yeah, see, that's beautiful. Thank you absolutely. Thank you, um, cory. It's almost 40 minutes, oh my gosh, uh. But I just again want to thank you for sharing your story and for letting me share mine absolutely and um again. We want to just tell everybody our friends, fellow elevators, if this brought anything up for you. There's so many resources out there for help. Hopefully you have support, but let's choose to take that path of healing Because you deserve that. You deserve peace, you deserve healthy relationships with other people and yourself.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you do.
Speaker 1:Well, you know us to take the elevator. We say, look up and let's elevate, elevate every day.
Speaker 2:Elevate every day. Elevate every day.
