Take the Elevator
This podcast is purely about elevating people through individual life stories and experiences in the Elevator. In the Elevator, what's key is maybe changing your perspective; having self-actualization; embracing your purpose; and acting on it as we grow from one another. There is a whole different point of view when you look up to elevate.
Take the Elevator
363rd Floor: Elevating Fatherhood
The essential role of fathers often gets diminished in modern conversations about family dynamics, yet their impact on children's development remains profound and irreplaceable. This compelling episode dives deep into the multifaceted nature of fatherhood - celebrating those who show up, acknowledging the challenges when fathers are absent, and exploring how communities can bridge these gaps.
Whether you're a father seeking encouragement, someone who grew up without a dad, or a community member wanting to support family wellbeing, this episode offers meaningful insights and practical ways to elevate the irreplaceable role of fathers in children's lives. Join us in recognizing that while anyone can father a child, it takes someone special to be a dad.
Look up, and let's elevate!
Hey, it's Jen the Builder and Corey, and welcome to a very special episode today, where we are elevating fatherhood fatherhood and parenthood. Yeah, yeah yeah, did you know that father's day started in 1910 in spokane, washington? Wow, I wonder yeah spark that one.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's a good thing to look into if anyone listening wants to let us know what you find. And that it didn't become an official national holiday. So guess what, corey, this is so cool and, yes, I'm giving up some information on you. Okay, it became official the year you were born, 1972. Isn't that funny?
Speaker 2:Wow.
Speaker 1:Yeah, they were preparing it just for me.
Speaker 2:That's right. I knew I was going to be a dead father. They knew we got to make this a day. There you go.
Speaker 1:So today, our goal is to honor all fathers and those are the ones that are present, absent or somewhere in between and we're going to explore how communities, how we can uplift the father-child relationship. Are you ready? Oh yeah, born for this, all right, so let's go. So let's start with fathers who are present. I'm going to throw some stats. You know, I really kind of prepared for this episode because I honor Corey as a dad and, for those who know me, I love my dad and I even say that present tense, even though he's no longer with us. I think fathers are so important and so critical in our lives. So, fun fact 72 million fathers in the US, 72 million and out of those, 29 million of them are grandfathers. Oh, wow.
Speaker 2:Haven't made it to the grandfatherhood yet, but working on that, I'm trying to convince these kids to go make some babies. I just don't know how to do it, because I mean back in the day you silly Corey.
Speaker 2:You're silly. People just naturally decided hey, it's time to have kids. My kids have not decided this yet, even though marriage is already entered into the picture for one of them. So you know, and no, I'm not encouraging premarital sex and babies out of wedlock, but you know, hey, getting desperate over here well, who knows, maybe, maybe that'll be a gift soon for you who knows?
Speaker 1:all right. So this is interesting 70 of us american adults see our dads as lifelong mentors. They see dads teach them resilience, confidence and life skills. So, as a dad, cory, how have you brought those important pieces of life into our kids?
Speaker 2:Very carefully. You know, fatherhood is such a tight wire act that you have to understand not only how to approach a child, you also have to understand how to maintain the conversation, maintain the conversation, and in maintaining the conversation you you have to figure out how not to be the overbearing dad without being the, the dad who's you know too into the business, or maybe the nerd dad, and and I know I have nerd tendencies so I really push to stay away from those things, because who wants to be known as the nerd dad?
Speaker 1:you know yeah, I like how you hold on. Let me fix my sound. Sorry about the guys very temperamental technology going on around me. Yeah, my apologies, let me just stay very still, all right, so let's talk about presence of a father, because presence doesn't just mean I'm their father, right? What do you want to emphasize as we elevate fatherhood and the importance of presence?
Speaker 2:so I'll say it like this I'll give some information for new fathers or younger fathers, fathers that are trying to figure this thing out. I was just always involved. I, I was the father that went to everything. I was the father sitting on the porch listening to the conversations. I was the referee for the football games and the kickball games and the Kota sack.
Speaker 2:I was the father you know asking you know, why do you guys want to fight about this? It's really silly. Let's think about this before we have a all-in-out fight and if we do, let's get the parents involved. We're going to get some boxing gloves and do it the right way, and that usually broke up the fight because nobody wanted to be a spectacle while parents were watching, and I knew that. So that's why I would go there.
Speaker 2:But you really want to be a main part of everything. You want the teachers to know who you are and you want your children to know that you know the teachers. Oh yeah, I talked to Mr So-and-so the other day, because then that puts the like oh man, mr So-and-so the other day, because then that puts the like oh man, mr so-and-so will call my dad and my dad will call him, and I can't have that. So I'm gonna, you know, rethink this. But, yeah, you just want to be present in every aspect possible. And is it hard? Absolutely, but it's definitely worth it. I, I, I escaped so many obstacles I'll use that word by just being present, as tough as it may have seemed to be, or as irritating Because who wants to go to every parent teacher conference? You got three kids, but at the same time, you have to, because you have to be able to show up and show them. I'm going to be here one way or another. So, yeah, that's my, my first-hand advice for any young father or new father that's really good advice.
Speaker 1:I'd love to hear your take, corey, because our situation is there's a bunch of parents for our kids, right, like you co-parented with me and you also were very involved with their father. So Michaela and Nathan have their father and I had a co-parent with Xavier's mom, right. So what is that like? What advice would you give that situation?
Speaker 2:I just gave space for that other parent and I thought it was going to be much tougher than it really was, but it really wasn't, especially because when it's their turn, when it's their time, you know, you give them that space and let them do their thing. And when they come back, you know, and I've always said to both of the kids, I'm not trying to replace him, that's not my job, that's not what I'm here for, you know. But what I am here for is to cover those gaps and make sure that the things that are missing and you got to be willing to do that. And me, being a sports guy, as a younger guy, I being the fifth man, I understood coming off the bench, I understood making sure, uh, I was watching everything happening in the game so I could see the other players weaknesses and not saying that that the father had weaknesses, but we as, as parents, only can do so much and that's the importance of a mom and a dad, you know.
Speaker 1:And if you don't have a mom and a dad, at least a grandparent or an auntie or an uncle or something, something to that, uh, aspect yeah, one of the key takeaways I have, watching you father our children and working with their father, is you had conversations with him, I'm gonna say weekly. You didn't leave him out. You gave him such good advice and us and you were such a peacemaker. If him and I, you know, butted heads or there was conflict, you were the one who heard him, heard me and then just kind of brought us together.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that is just a blessing and a miracle in itself, and I say that because I had exposure to a system that was riddled with nothing but problems. I worked in the non-public school system and as a crisis counselor I watched all these broken homes and all these broken parents attempt to raise broken children and as they attempted to raise these broken children with other broken people because they were a single mom home, single father's homes I just seen all the arguing and fighting and how it affected the broken child. And I'm using that word on purpose so you can understand that if you have that many broken people, you're never going to have a whole anything. It's just going to be broken people. And so I learned quickly if I'm going to deal with and manage a relationship with another parent that is on the opposite end, I'm going to have to learn how to navigate peacefully.
Speaker 2:So my, my intent was never to have an argument. My intent was never to have a disagreement. If that, if I don't understand or I don't agree, we can agree to disagree. I don't see it that way, but I'm not mad about it that you see it that way and I'm not trying to fight you about it either, and so that helped me navigate the waters just a little bit easier and plus I always knew that when the kids were in my care it's my way or no way.
Speaker 1:Truly truly so. As a result of who you were as a dad and just that whole family dynamic. There is an impact of presence and engagement from dads to their kids. So these are kiddos that you see, with higher self-esteem, academic success, they have better problem-solving skills, higher emotional regulation and there's healthy risk-taking and social skills, right. So, like we've said in other episodes, there are things that we learned along the way and we had a course correct real-time, but I really believe that there is health and well-being when fathers are involved. And so, corey, you had mentioned your past experiences working with kids in the system.
Speaker 1:This was a hard stat for me to read, and it's just a hard truth that one in four children and there's 17.8 million kids, by the way is that they live without a father figure at home, and so there's consequences for the absence of a father, and this is where we see increased behavioral problems. They in turn, struggle academically at times. There is a higher risk of teen pregnancy, substance abuse, homelessness, incarceration, and there's just an emotional void that can't be filled elsewhere. It can be through moms. I'm not saying that's not possible, but it affects self-worth in relationships, right. And when I read that population um, homelessness, incarceration. These are a lot of the people that you and I and the company we work in take care of every day. You know, and you just think about their upbringing and the challenges that they faced, possibly without a dad right, well, well, I'm going to say this without a brag.
Speaker 2:This is nowhere near a brag, but I am happy that I can say this my grandfather, which was my dad's father, never seen the inside of a jail. My father never seen the inside of a jail, praise God. And I've never seen the inside of a jail.
Speaker 2:You're breaking stats on that and curses that's true and I say that because, um, that's the norm, it is. I would never forget this. I was going to court for ordinary traffic stop and I thought I cleared this uh ticket up, but apparently I hadn't, and so this ticket lingered for years I think about five years and I get pulled over again, and so of course, I get you know the warning you have a warrant out for a failure to appear and you have to go to court. Blah, blah, blah. So get to court. We don't have to go through the gory details of all the interactions. No, I didn't go to jail, no, I wasn't arrested. Go to court, and the judge just automatically assumed that I was incarcerated and said how much time did you serve? And I said absolutely none. And I just thought this is the norm for men and me being a black man even more.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, so um, that, that's something that you have to credit to the father being in the home yeah, yeah, and I also want to note that not every absent father chooses to be away um.
Speaker 1:There are situations like work um parents who are divorced oh yeah you mentioned incarceration or just strained relationships, right.
Speaker 1:So I also want to give a huge shout out to those who are the supportive adults who act like fathers or are fathers like uncles, grandfathers. I know, growing up without a dad after nine, 10 years old so my brother was four or five when he passed away Coaches were a huge, huge father figure type in in my brother's lives. Life, oh yeah. And he played sports almost every year and the coaches just took him in. They were just so sweet and helpful to my mom, who was a single mom, like they just recognized we need to step in and not just be coach but mentor him, and I believe that is a big reason why he's so successful today.
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah, I definitely co-signed that, that effort, you know, and that's again why we also jumped into uh, helping youth out, yeah, and and seeing ourselves a part of a teenage and middle school, high school kids, you know just to be mentors and make sure that they chose the right path and had, uh, someone to talk to, if nothing else. And when I say that, you know, children always want someone to talk to and the streets are always there to listen, to give them horrible, awful advice and give them a place of belonging, yeah, right, yeah. And so it takes strong individuals and I'm not touting and tooting our own horn. What I'm simply saying is that, if you recognize that, that's the best thing you could ever do is just be there for them to have a place to go talk to someone, someone to you know. Um, when I said, give advice, guys, we're, we're talking about the simplest of the simplest things. Should I join a gang? No, one person says no, you shouldn't here. Here's why. And you prevent some young, impressionable child from joining the gang and ruining their lives.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was out with my friends the other night and they were drinking. They're 14 years old. What do you think about drinking? It's a simple answer, and these are the questions that kids are asking, and sometimes they have people at home, sometimes they don't. But it's just, you know, you being in the middle, I want to segue out of something into something else, and then we'll jump back on track. Uh, we just released our fourth book, which is kelly kenga, and so someone already said to me well, where, where's the father? And the father was left out of the writing on purpose, but the father is very much so present. So just know there's a follow-up to that.
Speaker 1:I love that sneak peek and the background behind that book. By the way, it's called Kelly Kinga and I believe it's officially released on Father's Day.
Speaker 2:On Father's Day On Amazon. There you go yeah, so really excited about that story and I'm working on a direct release from the website so you can go on there and order as well.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that website is, for those who don't know, fuzzy furry forestcom perfect. So before I go on to the next topic around fatherhood, you know that 49% of us learn how to drive from our dads, and then 43% of us learn basic repairs. I wish I had learned driving from my dad, because I just thought he was such a great. I thought dad was great at everything, but both our dads are no longer here. Cray, what's something that you really feel like you've learned from him and you still carry with you today?
Speaker 2:man. It's so much jen. Yeah, and you know, as a, as a younger man, you go through these things where you have these resentments, you have these issues about dad and about why this and why not that, and as you get older you're like oh, dad was really trying to just hold things together, dad was really working hard to just keep peace in the home, because we a lot of times we think it's mom keeping the peace, but really dad's keeping the peace by either not saying something, not over responding to something, because he could really go over the top about some things or just simply saying you know what? It's not that bad, right. And that's where I just learned so much from him. I watched my mom egg him on a little bit and he's like no, no, no, you got to let the boy grow up, he's just a boy, let him be a boy.
Speaker 1:I love that.
Speaker 2:So yeah, I learned a lot of things that, of course driving, of course car repair, changing oil, changing the tire, how to paint paint, how to mow a lawn I mean the simplest of simple things that now play such a huge role in my life today absolutely, um, you know, I just am reminded of something I love when listeners give give us advice, because it's sound advice.
Speaker 1:By the way, these stats aren't anything I made up. Let me go ahead and give a shout out to some websites that I looked up for this. So new york post gave the fun facts. There's really cool um websites out there, like fatherhoodorg um, I love this one kiddoswithdadcom so just check those out. They're all over and they're just so great, especially when a father is absent. Parentscom, right. So those are my plugins, all right. So let's talk about, as a community, how we can uplift the father-child relationships, how we can uplift the father-child relationships. Corey, I know that you are so passionate about men and how their role and who they are has changed throughout time. Do you want to share a little bit about that?
Speaker 2:Absolutely. You know it's done subtly, but I have to be a realist on this, and so I'm not trying to offend anyone or make anyone feel like I'm pointing fingers at you in particular, but the system has slowly taken away the male role out of the household, and it's troubling. Years ago we pointed out well, I pointed out to you in the supermarket that all the images on the magazines were these incredibly strong looking women and there were no men to be seen, and I knew, right then they're transitioning the men out of the household and building the woman up. I get it, women are strong, women can do some things that men just cannot do, and I applaud that all day and all night.
Speaker 2:But you never want to remove the masculinity or the man out of the household, and I heard this word is very troubling toxic masculinity. You're ultimately saying that malehood is toxic, and that's just not true. There's no toxins in masculinity or even being masculine, you know, um? So I I'm an advocate for pushing men to do the right thing, say the right thing, being the right thing, say the right thing being the right thing, being in the right places, taking care of family, family first, and there's many ways you can take care of family without it being solely monetary, and so I just really advocate for that. You know, men in the household, men raising children, men cooking and cleaning, not being the wife but being the husband, a strong husband or a strong father, and you can be one without being the other one, but it takes a man to do both of them.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I know that's not the messaging that a lot of people want to hear, but that that's for me, that's from me well, I think that's important and I think we need to have more of these spaces because, as a woman, I feel that when we do uplift or elevate manhood, masculinity, the importance of having a father, the importance of the husband and wife relationship, sometimes women act like are you saying I can't do it on my own, we don't need to go there. We're just saying it's stronger and better where there are two right and that there's a place and a need for a man in the family dynamics. And I'm with you, corey. I'd love to see that come back because, being without a dad, I know what I missed out on. I am very aware, and so am I, an advocate for fathers and those who play the father role. Absolutely Anywhere where we can fill that gap is so important.
Speaker 1:So we want to just talk about the community at large and how we can lift that up. So there are so many things out there. Did you know that there's father support groups? Oh, yeah, yeah. And I know that I, as a woman, will join a support group in a heartbeat, like that is, like it's something I need, whether the support be my friend or my friends, or there's. Oh, there's something going on here for women, let's join. What is that like for a man? I just don't hear men talking about that much.
Speaker 2:It's nothing like that. As a matter of fact, men will shy away from groups like that and trying to join anything that's supporting manhood. Number one it's a little strange for us because we feel like, oh, you're trying to ask me about what I do or why I do it, so there's that aspect of it. Then you have the man that's like I don't have time to go sit down and talk about my feelings and my emotions. I have one feeling and one emotion. I just want to get the work done.
Speaker 2:And then you have the men that you know we were a lot of men were just raised different. They were raised to just go out, do what you got to do, and if you need to talk to someone about it, you might call mom, you might call your brother or you might just call your best friend and you know that's enough. And you don't want to complain too much, because then men look at you like, oh, you're complaining too much, but we're getting to a space now, jan, where we're more open to talking, we're more accepting of a group. So yeah, I've noticed that as well. Yeah, that's beautiful.
Speaker 1:There's another fatherhood program I ran into called All Pro Dad. That's pretty cool and I think it's important that as a community, we host inclusive father events, so like, for example, when we worked with youth community. We host inclusive father events, so like, for example, when we worked with youth.
Speaker 1:Remember we did the father, daughter dance, oh yeah, and it wasn't just like, oh, come into the hall and dance. It was a dance that was rehearsed and there were steps, and then it was just beautiful because every father, daughter was highlighted as their solo dance and then everyone together was so choreographed it was, it was beautiful.
Speaker 2:It was cool because you know what it did. Is it allowed for men to come out of their comfort zone? Number one, but also not to be embarrassed. Because I'm representing my daughter and I'm going to do something fun with her and for her, because all the daughters were so excited to be dancing with their fathers and it was incredible.
Speaker 1:They really were.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I had a blast on that. That was a beautiful event.
Speaker 1:And then seeing these events at schools, parks, libraries right Community centers huge. I'm a big advocate. I love, love, love that men get paid paternity leave. That was not a thing when I was younger, so when I heard that I was like what? Like that's amazing, and they get baby bonding time and everything. So I think that flexibility at the work to honor the man's place in the family is so important. Um, I also would love to see like an elevation of fatherhood in media and social media. I see that quite a bit now in reels, yeah, um, and just the sharing of positive dad stories and just getting it out there. Because if, if we're gonna scroll, I hope we see more positive fatherhood and child moments yeah, I mean, we've seen our fair share of daddy downer videos yeah so we need to see the uplifting of the fathers, for sure.
Speaker 1:So we're going to close this out, and I think what I'd really love to share is that every father deserves recognition and every child deserves love and support. So thank you to those men who are doing that for your children, for children that you know and work with. What a blessing you are.
Speaker 2:Indeed.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so call to action elevators. Think a father figure today. Think about volunteering in programs that uplift dads and kids. If there isn't one, maybe you're the one who's going to start that right. Just light a fire, set that spark. We'd love.
Speaker 2:If you'd like to share a positive fatherhood story, tag us and we'd like to catch it on your instagram and that way we can connect there, yeah, and for me I just want to say it is okay to hold your head up high and stick your chest out a little bit, because you know you're a good father and you're doing a good job and, whether anyone tells you or not, I'm telling you You're doing a great job. Keep it up, bro.
Speaker 1:That's right. So I read this quote Unknown Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a dad. So happy dad's day and you know us to take the elevator. We say look up and let's elevate.
