Take the Elevator
This podcast is purely about elevating people through individual life stories and experiences in the Elevator. In the Elevator, what's key is maybe changing your perspective; having self-actualization; embracing your purpose; and acting on it as we grow from one another. There is a whole different point of view when you look up to elevate.
Take the Elevator
360th Floor: Access Denied
The art of saying "Access Denied" might be one of the most powerful skills you'll ever develop. This deeply personal exploration delves into why protecting your emotional space, physical boundaries, and digital presence is essential for wellbeing—and why everyone doesn't deserve the same level of access to you.
What happens when we ignore our gut instincts about people? The painful aftermath often includes wasted time, emotional wounds, damaged self-esteem, and persistent self-doubt. As we unpack these consequences, we share candid stories about times we've both allowed access when we shouldn't have, and the hard lessons learned from those experiences.
The conversation takes a healing turn as we discuss how to recover from boundary violations. Rather than building fortress-like walls that keep everyone out, we explore how setting healthy boundaries actually creates bridges for authentic connection. For those who struggle with extremes—either having no boundaries or isolating completely—we offer practical strategies for finding balance.
Learn specific language to use when communicating boundaries, like "I care but I can't take this on right now" or "I need space to process this." These simple phrases honor both the relationship and your personal needs. We also explore the critical distinction between creating distance out of fear versus acting from discernment—a nuance that transforms how you approach relationships.
Whether you're healing from past boundary violations or proactively strengthening your personal boundaries, this episode provides both the validation and practical tools needed to protect what matters most—your peace, energy, and personal wellbeing. Remember: access to you is a privilege, not a right.
Midlife is freaking hard. Let's flip the script.
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hey, it's jen the builder and cory, and hello everybody. Yes, hello man, we are sorry. Not, sorry, sorry, not sorry, right. That we skipped an episode and it was all to honor my Mother's Day weekend and it was amazing.
Speaker 2:And your Mother's Day weekend as well.
Speaker 1:Absolutely so hope you all had a great Mother's Day weekend. We've been seeing so many things on social media on how it was spent, so very, very cool. I found my way to the beach. That was amazing.
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:Corona Del Mar, you know what Jen.
Speaker 2:That trip was a little bit more giving to me than I thought it would be. I really enjoyed being at the beach that particular day.
Speaker 1:Good stuff yeah, so between cory and I, I'm the beach person, yes, cory, not so much like if someone said, jen, let's go to the beach. I'd be all about it. The beach with corey. You've got to kind of prep them yes but it, but it was a good time. The weather was perfect Because, get this, where we live, over Mother's Day weekend it was 95 degrees Literally. We drove an hour away for the beach about, yeah, 20 degree difference.
Speaker 2:And I think that's exactly what it was. I think so Just that little bit of cool that came in and changed the world.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I'm excited about today's episode and we probably did something around it. But this one's a little different. I think you'll see that as time has gone by, we've evolved in the setting boundaries area, and actually today's episode is called access denied access denied, and I'll also say that we've uh upped the ante on our delivery I believe.
Speaker 1:So you know it was funny. Uh, before we recorded this, I was on the phone with my daughter. I said kill him, gotta go. We're recording, she's on. No, you really don't have to record. You have over 350 episodes. I think you're gonna be okay to not record. So true story, cory, I don't I have to look further, but I googled and I said what's the longest running episode?
Speaker 2:oh, man, man, I know it's long, Not episode.
Speaker 1:Longest running podcast. And we are again. I don't know, but I saw some numbers.
Speaker 2:Is it that one guy, the Adam guy?
Speaker 1:Adam guy, never mind, I don't know those things. Okay, so either way, I saw a number 600, but then it went to like 350. I'm like, oh my goodness, can you imagine if we break the record for oh no we're nowhere near.
Speaker 2:I don't know.
Speaker 1:Well, let's look at it okay, and then in our next episode we'll give an accurate update sounds like a plan, yeah and, by the way, the goal is not to be the the podcast for the most episodes, it just kind of like wow we're.
Speaker 1:We're at over 350. So, anyways, here we are. I just thought it was funny that kills like it's gonna be fine, like what is the deal. But you know, we have so much fun doing this and this is um one way that we keep in connection with people, and so you just kind of feel like, man, we're missing out when we, when we, don't do an episode. So, cory, let's touch on some announcements.
Speaker 2:Right, quick, let's sure, uh, we got another book coming out real soon here called kelly kenga. We got got the letter back from the library of Congress today and I'm excited when those ones come in, don't you?
Speaker 1:It's just so official. Yeah, man, yeah, and it says, yes, kelly Kanga belongs to Corey and Jen body. There you go, thank you.
Speaker 2:Thank you, thank you. That's pretty much all I got right now. Are we going to have some new guests on coming up next month Another writer, slash author, and then another exciting guest that we're waiting on to get the okay for, and then you know, we're just going to be doing our thing, having a good time For sure.
Speaker 1:All right, corey, start us off. This is a topic that you wanted to bring forward, so I think it's only apropos for you to get us off the start line.
Speaker 2:It is indeed apropos for me to start this, and it is called access denied. Sometimes in life you have to deny access to some people, and so everyone doesn't have the same level of accessibility. If this registers with you, please raise your hand, and both of mine are raised right now. Jen question have you ever had to deny access to any person that was in your life, and why?
Speaker 1:so the answer is yes um more than one person. Okay, so when I define access, I'm talking about my emotional being, my physical, um even sometimes digital my energy.
Speaker 1:Right, that's what I'm talking about. Access, so, um, I've denied it when I've seen just multiple disrespectful moments right, it could be disrespect for my time, disrespect for my values or just who I am. Yeah, um, I have definitely denied access when I feel someone is manipulative. Okay, for me, that's like red flag. I withdraw instantly when manipulation's involved. Um, I don't like being in a constant state of confusion. So if someone's behavior confuses me and it's just all over the place and despite the conversations right, and I know we're going to go more into that, so it sounds like I'm being very generalized, but there's a lot of details to that. No, no, as a matter of.
Speaker 2:So it sounds like I'm being very generalized, but there's a lot of details to that no, no, as a matter of fact, it sounds very in depth because when you talk about, you know your digital world and your personal space and your other areas of denial of access. It gives a really clear picture on what you're intending on blocking off from someone. Yeah, and I appreciate that, but before we move any further into the denial, have you ever given access to someone that you knew you should have given a denial, a deniability?
Speaker 1:So just kind of ignored your gut, yes, and just went within anyways and see can we please talk about, because I know we have not talked about this.
Speaker 1:So first let me just say that I think access to anyone, when they give it to you, is a privilege and not a right. I had to get that straight. Like it is not your right to have full access to me. Now, when I've given access, despite the fact that I thought no, this is not going to be good, it's because I thought I was overreacting and kind of being mean to distancing.
Speaker 2:Do you know what I mean? Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 1:I mean, I always go to the place where I know that I have done things that have wronged people and that was not the intent, or maybe it was at the time, but I'm not the same person, so I believe that people grow and change, you know that kind of way. So I always feel like let me extend that kindness or that grace and just maybe I'm just having an emotional time or maybe I'm overreacting that's the word. I'm overreacting, yes.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so to one. First let's go here. And then I got a quick follow-up on that. What are some of the negative connotations? What are some of the negative actions? What are some of the negative results that have happened when you ignored your gut, knowing that you should have denied access, but you did it anyway, hurt Regret. Now, while you're thinking a little bit more about that, this is where I want to tune into the listener, because what I'm going to do, I want to provoke that thought deep inside you to begin to heal those wounds that someone has caused that you gave access to, and and then we're just going to get rid of all that negative energy, because that actually shouldn't even have access in your life. Please continue.
Speaker 1:Wait, I want to. That was powerful.
Speaker 2:Well, I'm trying to do something that's going to be moving.
Speaker 1:Okay, so I'll just hold that then Sure. And where am I supposed to be right now?
Speaker 2:You're talking about some negative things that's happened based on giving access.
Speaker 1:Yes, so it's wasted my time.
Speaker 2:It's it's hurt you, you said. And now it's wasted your time, it's made me question my decision making right right, my level of confidence, self-esteem, yeah, right.
Speaker 1:So all of those things. And you feel guilty because you're like why I knew better? Why did I do that?
Speaker 2:Now you're beating yourself up.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And it's almost full circle because you knew in your gut from I will say from jump that you should not give access to this person, this thing this moment, and you did anyway. You're hurt, you're in denial, you're angry and now you're doubled back on. I never should have did this. What's wrong with me?
Speaker 1:now you're beating yourself up yeah, and if I can just say there, it doesn't have to be so extreme in every situation. So, what I mean by that is, we've talked about boundaries and it's not full access or it's only you know just, it's a defined type of relationship, because I think boundaries are actually bridges for healthy relationships, right? Would you agree with that?
Speaker 2:Absolutely relationships, right? Would you agree with that? Absolutely? But what I have noticed says is that in older age, once the breach has been made, it's, uh, a little bit more personal, because now these are sacred places, these are places you've worked hard to create your own inner peace, right, and so that's why I the extreme, for and I'm not putting that on you, right but I'm just making that real clear that you know, when those sacred spaces are violated, what's really happening and taking place.
Speaker 1:Well, I agree and I think that is just grounded and wise and you and I very different people. I'm learning so much from you and I know you share that you learn so much from me.
Speaker 2:I do.
Speaker 1:But because I am an extremist, I've had to learn to set boundaries and understand why access would be completely denied. Because, um, trauma right post-trauma, you learn to the extreme is your boundaries become walls that actually isolate you, and when you isolate yourself, you miss out on the good. Yeah, and I didn't want to do that anymore. I didn't want to believe that everyone was out to harm and didn't have good intention. Like I had to let that go, forgive the people that harmed me and move on, and i'm'm so glad I did. Now the thing is is again being extreme. Then you just want to invite everyone in, like, oh, this is great, and then you lose sight of hey, you're worth protecting and you have to be aware of people around you. Read the room right and then be able to manage yourself, including setting those boundaries denying access to certain things, and that way you can manage your relationship.
Speaker 2:Right, and so this next question is actually going to sound like it's wrapping up, but we're just getting started, we're just really getting into the meat of it, and so what I asked was that the listener take a moment to really go deep within themselves. And this is your opportunity because I know you wanted to jump on it, but I stopped it to acknowledge that these feelings need healing. Oh, that's deep and I like that, but these feelings need healing because we're scarred, we're traumatized. We have issues now with other people, some that don't even want to violate us but because we've been traumatized, we have this 20-foot gate set up so even good people can't get close to us, so we're actually denying access to people that probably should have access to us. The healing part and the repair that has to take place after the breaches is been something that's going on on a regular basis, because typically, one breach is not going to tear the fortress down. It's multiple breaches that begin to wear us out and make us feel like what am I really doing here? What's going on?
Speaker 1:feel like what am I really doing here? What's going on? Man healing, that's that. That's a big topic and I think, in my opinion, healing is a different process for everybody. I think healing for sure takes the moments of reflection and really tapping into what's requiring this healing. What's taken place, what'd you go through, what was the impact? Why is it important that I experience and invite healing into this space? What am I hoping will be different? Did you say invite?
Speaker 2:absolutely. I like that. Yeah, I'm gonna pause you just for a second. I really like that because you're not only bringing it in, you're inviting, which is a action that you're um yeah, you know, I think you've got to seek it out.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because, especially you said, when it's multiple times, that usually isn't the go-to. What you usually do is you isolate or you numb yourself or you go through the emotions and you stay there. You're stuck.
Speaker 2:How important is this, this process? It's critical.
Speaker 1:It's critical to your well-being and your ability to experience all the goodness in life that was meant for you, right?
Speaker 2:yeah, for sure any simple questions we can ask ourselves to help reshape this what would seem to be a simple task, but I mean on the grand scale of things. It's pretty ginormous when you think about someone has breached your boundaries, got access to you, wounded, hurt or maimed you, and then you have to go through a healing process. Any words of.
Speaker 1:I'm just going to share what resonates for me and hopefully, being that we're all human, that this can resonate with you and you might have your own language for this. I think, at the end of the day, for me it was about just emotional self-respect. I had allowed so much disrespect that I couldn't even respect me and, um, I would just, I wanted to find me. You know like I just thought that was so important. I just wanted another chance at this whole thing.
Speaker 1:So I love what you had said earlier, like you can deny access to the thing that holds you captive, and I didn't. I chose. I said I am no longer a victim of this. I am not going to let this be the thing that defines me, right, right. So I love how you said that, because I really believe without having to use that language, believe without having to use that language, and now I have language for it is that I denied access for all things that harm me not just people, but including me because we can be that person that actually harms ourselves, which is quite intense, isn't?
Speaker 2:it. Yes, it's very intense. But, as you were saying that, I heard something else. We could be that person harming ourselves, but we could also be that person that's violating someone else, that just so happens to be breaching someone's personal and we've been denied access. We've been told no, but we're not taking no for an answer. Would anyone like an example?
Speaker 2:Your spouse, your mate, says you know what, I'm really not wanting to have that conversation right now. Oh no, we're having that conversation right now. You've just violated, you've just breached an area that could possibly be. See, I had to learn this the hard way as a husband, as a friend and in any relationship, be it work, be it home, be it friend, that's in a band. I'm in a band. If someone says to you that they're not able to have a conversation right now, that's typically not a brush off, that's typically not something that someone's just telling you just so you can't get to say what you want to say. So it's important that we acknowledge that and then respect that and allow that boundary to be set. And so, jen, I don't know if you have anything else you want to say about this, and I'm I'm all open for it. But I got one final question to really just kind of crack this thing wide open.
Speaker 1:Hold on, let me fix there I am.
Speaker 2:I didn't.
Speaker 1:I didn't mean to deny access to sound, but I'm back.
Speaker 2:What is it so? The final question is, jim how do we prepare, how do we get in the right mindset so that we don't have all these traumas, so we don't have to put up such big barriers for denial of access? Is there a way to prep your mind, prep your heart, prep your emotions, so that you can already have something in play for this?
Speaker 1:I think first step is to say and to know and move on the fact that you're worth the process of healing. And I will always be the first to say this, especially when it comes to trauma seek help. To trauma, like seek help. It's so beautiful when you have a person in your life, like a therapist, who's able to give you professional help and who's not involved in your life and can see things from the outside, looking in um, and this is it for me. That's just um, an amazing space to be in when someone is listening and you know what their purpose is and their purpose is to help you help yourself. So I think that would be the first thing is just find that little bit that says I'm worth this, I'm worth the effort. Can I give a tip too? Because this has really helped.
Speaker 1:Again, if you're an extremist, this is for you. So I've learned to deny access or set these boundaries, even in the smallest ways. Right, because no means no and it's okay to say no, because saying no isn't a punishment for the other person. No, it's actually protection and preservation, for just for time and energy and things like that. Right?
Speaker 1:and for everyone involved, because that no may protect them, it may protect you, it may protect whoever's in in the room right, exactly so you might be saying no to responding to late night text or saying no to making a commitment that's going to drain you, right, or I've. I've seen a lot of people do this, unfollowing toxic people on social media, right. So the more actions you take to set healthy boundaries, to deny access because it's about preservation, protecting yourself and the people around you, I think it becomes habit. It becomes easier because, again, I am such an advocate for it's in the small interactions, the small actions that accumulate into big results, long-term impact.
Speaker 2:Right, I just want to give one hint, or not hint tip, but tell a little story.
Speaker 1:So, but tell a little story, so I've never been a big touchy filly type of person with people that I don't know and people that I don't normally hang out with, and so it has nothing to do with who you are as a person.
Speaker 2:And I'll give you even a more personal situation. I was in the hospital and I had been there for about two days and they send a therapist in, a physical therapist, and she said I'm here to you, know, give you some physical therapy. I'm going to be massaging your shoulders and your head and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And so at first I said, okay, you know, this is a part of the staying in the hospital and me getting better and all this good stuff.
Speaker 2:However, as she began to touch me, I just was like, nah, I can't do this, this is not going to work. So I told her I said you know, no disrespect to you. I know this is your job. I'm not taking this personally, like I don't think you're trying to do anything. You know that's outside of your job description, but I just don't like to be touched. Like you know, in spaces that I'm not used to being touched. And she responded in the most amazing way. She said that is fine, completely, totally respectable. I have no problems with that. As a matter of fact, I'm glad you said that and didn't allow me to continue because it would have you know.
Speaker 2:So that that's the kind of person I am. Um, I had another situation and I gave you that so you can understand just who I am where a co-worker got into a habit of walking into a room when my back was to the door and this co-worker would tap me on the shoulder to give me a fist bump. And the first time it happened my mind said not cool, but don't make a big deal out of it. The second time it happened I said I got to say something because this is going to be a problem and that's my first red flag and my barrier that I do not allow to be breached. After the second time I have to address it and I have to put a stop to the um, the access.
Speaker 2:So if you're out there and you're listening and this is something that you're going through if you know this is going to trigger you and it might not be touch, it might be someone cracking a joke that's inappropriate or saying something slick or sly to you that you're just not okay with. If those are red flags for you, get in the in the mode. If those are red flags for you, get in the mode, get in the habit of putting your walls and barriers and blockers up before it takes you to the point that you can't go back.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, and I think that supports the small interactions, the small setting of boundaries, right, that does wonders. Um, I wanted to touch on something too, if you don't mind and you're down for this part of the conversation. I mentioned overreacting as a feeler. That's a real thing, right, is the overreacting piece you said a feeler.
Speaker 2:To explain that a little bit for the people.
Speaker 1:They don't know what that means so typically, if I were to translate my reaction, it's usually in feeling like I feel that I feel like sad or I feel offended. Some people who are thinkers go into thought oh, very logical, that's you right, yeah?
Speaker 1:definitely cory's a thinker, I'm a feeler, so over reacting signs, for me, this is where I know. Again, set your boundaries with yourself too. I always I don't assume intent without conversation, because I have a very wild imagination and connect things and I've said this before time and time again connect things that don't need to be connected, are you? Telling stories that aren't really happening um in my mind at the time yeah they are happening, but I'm filling in the gaps, gotcha, so I'm not delusional.
Speaker 1:Okay, it's just that we went from here to there, and how did that happen? So I just kind of like, oh well, it must have been this, or you know right, thank you so another tip is don't create distance out of fear, but if you have to create distance, create it out of discernment. Discernment in all of this is super powerful.
Speaker 1:Um, as you're figuring this out, give me a little bit of understanding of what discernment is discernment is just your ability to use wisdom and gained experience and knowledge on how to handle a situation, right, right. So, yeah, don't react in fear, but do it because you're applying wisdom.
Speaker 2:Make sense yeah, okay.
Speaker 1:And then I also think and I've learned this too, this has to do a lot with conflict management is I'm okay if we're friends or we're family and I'm feeling like, okay, this really is going to be a cutoff, and so I'm going to express the need for the cutoff. First, I'm not going to leave you hanging, because I think, corey, you and I can agree that's happened to us, where we're just like what just happened and I think there's a disservice that we do with people because, again, cory and I could be the thing that triggers you or activates you to say, oh, boundaries up, right, I need to deny them access, but when and when people are wanting to learn, it's I think it's okay to tell them. That way we can be aware and, um, be like Ooh, I didn't think about it that way, I didn't know it was going to land that way with people. Let me, let me check myself, let me reflect on this and change some things.
Speaker 2:I really like that, janet. I'm glad we had this conversation and I hope the listener has an opportunity to go down all these crevices and rabbit holes to really discover what things are needed to be locked, what things are needed to have barriers, what things are needed to be denied accessibility, and I hope it helps someone today and if you feel like it helped you and giving you a different perspective, please feel free to reach out to us and tell us about it. We would love to hear about it. Yes, please.
Speaker 1:Now one more thing, Sure, that I feel that we've learned, because you said earlier, when we started the episode, that you feel that we've changed, and I think you said matured or uh delivery and maturity yeah.
Speaker 1:So again, access denied doesn't always mean has to be permanent disconnection, right so Right. So people have asked hey, jen, hey Corey, when you said this, like it helps us to hear maybe some language we can use, and so that's been feedback and we definitely want to give that. So I've, corey, let's just talk about real quick some language we've used with each other. I've become very okay with um. I need space to think right now, or I'm I'm processing this, or what I've done differently with you, cory, is if I'm asking you something and you don't answer right away and I hope you can see this I hope because I've been very intentional about now not like overreacting, like are you not gonna say anything? You don't mean, I just kind of just sit there and just wait to see what the response is gonna be that was me waiting right then just just giving myself a moment to breathe.
Speaker 2:Um, guys, I'm really big on taking a deep breath and pausing for a moment and just taking the question in, especially if it's something that's gonna change or alter a state of being or a state of a part of life. Uh, I'm just not gonna answer it right away, just to answer it, and if you ever find me going or really really too quick, you know I'm not taking this in and so that's a dangerous that's true cory to be talking to, because now I'm not.
Speaker 1:I'm not really being my authentic self yeah, yeah, here's one inquiry you can share a statement to our listeners and I promise we'll end it, even though I've enjoyed this conversation, oh so much I'm glad you have is like I I've learned this with, with some of my girlfriends. I care, but I can't take this on at this moment. Or I care and you'll get a gen that's so much more present at the beginning of the day versus at 11 o'clock like right now tonight, right, so, um, that has just been great for me and it's helped me show up better as a friend.
Speaker 2:A friend, a wife, um, a family member. It will help you in so many different ways. And yes, jen, you have told me that you're going to get a better Jen. Tomorrow morning I am wiped out and, as much as that may sting, because I just want to tell you something so bad, I respect it and I appreciate it later, because I do get a better gen, I do get a better response, and then we're still completely open for accessibility, whereas if I push the issue, you're going to deny me access, and then I'm going to get mad and I'm going to deny you access and then we got this issue that we don't even know what to do with it deny you access, and then we got this issue that we don't even know what to do with it.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, great. I want to thank you for bringing this forward. I think it's a good topic. That should not be something you gloss over once, right, because it just needs more conversation, more support to let people know you're not in this by yourself. People go through this Absolutely, yeah. So please DM us, let us know if you have any thoughts or any feedback that you'd like to share with us. We're all for it, and if we are something that or some one that you need to talk to or have a question about something we've said or done, we're all for it. We love that kind of stuff because we want to elevate with you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and if you've liked the ads that have been playing throughout the podcast, those are being curated and picked especially for you, so I hope that we're picking things that you guys like to hear in the in the breaks yes, well, have a good day everyone.
Speaker 1:And you know us to take the elevator. We say look up and let's elevate, elevate every day, elevate every day.
