Take the Elevator
This podcast is purely about elevating people through individual life stories and experiences in the Elevator. In the Elevator, what's key is maybe changing your perspective; having self-actualization; embracing your purpose; and acting on it as we grow from one another. There is a whole different point of view when you look up to elevate.
Take the Elevator
349th Floor: Caring for Aging Parents - A Heartfelt Journey
The journey of caring for aging parents can be both a challenge and a blessing. As roles shift, our responsibilities transform, often leading us to confront complex emotions like guilt and sadness. In this episode, we explore these themes, sharing our personal experiences and insights into the delicate balancing act of caregiving.
We break down the various sides of this role, touching on emotional hurdles and practical needs, while offering pointers on how to navigate the complexities of family dynamics. From recognizing the necessity for advanced planning to making room for those all-important conversations with your loved ones, we share how to make this journey not just bearable but also enriching.
In true heartfelt fashion, we emphasize the importance of opening up dialogues with our aging parents—asking about their stories, concerns, and desires, as well as sharing our own. These exchanges can create bonds and memories that stand the test of time. Remember that caregiving is a collective journey; seek support and stay engaged with resources designed to ease your path.
Join us in celebrating the small moments of joy amidst the challenges, and let’s find ways to elevate the meaningful stories within our families. Ready to take on the challenge?
Look up, and let's elevate.
Research & Resources for Discussion:
1. AARP (American Association of Retired Persons) - Resources on aging and caregiving.
2. The National Institute of Aging - Health and caregiving guides.
3. The Caregiver Action Network - Tips for caregivers managing stress.
4. Books:
- Being Mortal by Atul Gawande
- The 36-Hour Day by Nancy L. Mace & Peter V. Rabins
5. Be proactive and search podcasts and videos
hey, it's jen the builder and cory and we're on. Take the elevator, where we take everyday topics, and elevate it into wonderful conversation.
Speaker 2:Absolutely, jane you know what I like about that. I like the fact that we can have a, like you said, ordinary, everyday conversation and take it to the next level and then begin to help and heal and mentor and add to life accordingly. Yeah, yeah, and we've been doing it for four years. Yeah, it's kind of funny, huh yeah.
Speaker 1:So start us off, corey. What's new, what's up? What do you want to share?
Speaker 2:There's so much that's new, there's so much that's up, and I won't bore everyone with the gory details, I'm just going to do a light brushing over. Uh, the band is doing extremely well we're playing a lot. We're um gonna be putting out some play dates on all of our social media, so if you're interested in that now, please take a look at uh shameless band 095 on instagram or the shameless band on Facebook. Also, the Genco Sound Company is releasing their fourth book.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:You have anything you want to say I sure do.
Speaker 1:So. Let me just say I'm still very much in celebrating Sheriff Slinky Stink, absolutely, and we've gotten such good feedback on that book and people are like did you intentionally release this in the year of the snake? And what's funny is that?
Speaker 1:no, we did not that wasn't the intent, but man did that work out well, didn't it? So one of the things that I want to make sure we include this this is planned and I hope that it goes accordingly. So Mother's Day, mother's Day weekend we're going to release the fourth book and it's about Kelly Kangaroo, and it's very much a mother parent child relationship. Yes, and this one hits home hard and it's so good, and so be on the lookout for that, and we'll talk more about it as time approaches, yeah, and one more thing this is our first female-centered character.
Speaker 2:So that is very exciting, and both Jen and I sat down and planned out the next book and the steps to come, so this has been a fun, enjoyable ride.
Speaker 1:It really has. So I'm going to put a plug in here real quick before we go into the topic of taking care of aging, our aging parents. So there's going to be a lot here today, so please stay with us. But we just opened up our website and it's the gencocom and I feel like it's about 80 done. I think it's good enough for y'all to visit see what we're about, what's coming. So if you can plug into the gencocom and also check out fuzzy furry forestcom, that's where you're going to get all the updates for the books, yep, and all that good stuff. And we had someone come over, um, this weekend or the past weekend and they just went nuts over the plushies and seeing the three books together and just going through it and just catching the vision. Um, it actually quite excited me on how she reacted.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it was just a glimpse. We didn't even share the whole vision with her. So, absolutely, I'm so, I'm excited, I'm overjoyed, you know yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, for sure. So, guys, this conversation is one that so many of us will face, if we're not already facing it and that's taking care of our aging parents.
Speaker 2:Now I can speak to this a little bit. I had a situation, and I've told you about my mom, but I had a great aunt that I had to look after for some years before she passed away. Now, when I was 17, when I moved in to her residence and then we took over after she passed away. That wasn't the plan. We were just supposed to be there for a short amount of time to get her back on her feet after her surgery, and then we were going to, you know, head back to our house. So it was technically supposed to be no longer than a month, but she couldn't move to our house at the time.
Speaker 2:So this was just a very interesting time because I really love this great aunt and I wanted nothing but the best for her out of the family to try to care for someone that was bedridden for a couple of weeks and then needing just about everything breakfast, lunch, dinner, bathing, all her pharmaceutical needs, of course, shopping, and if there was any need for clothing or senior citizens type things. I won't go into that, but you know, just things that people would need that are bedridden and they're a little bit older. So it gets me choked up a little bit, because I remember that moment in life, because I just cared about her so much and I watched her get better. But she was aging and so, as she's, her body is healing from the surgery, her mind and her body is still deteriorating, and we had to figure out how to take care of her and how to give her the most comfort and the most happiness at the tail end of her life. How to give her the most comfort and the most happiness at the tail end of her life.
Speaker 2:And before she passed away, of course, we began to see she might not make it much longer. So she lasted probably about two to three years, and a lot of people think, oh, you had some time, but it went by so fast. It was incredible how fast it went. But yeah, so I'm prepared for this. And then we had to take care of my mom after she got out of the hospital from COVID, and that was interesting. We'll get to that, though.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So what I hear and what you've shared, is that as our parents or our families get older, roles start to shift. Oh yeah, and suddenly we find ourselves making the decisions that we never thought we'd have to shift. Oh yeah, right. And suddenly we find ourselves making the decisions that we never thought we'd have to make.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So it definitely is like this journey that's filled with love, responsibility and, if we're being honest, it's super challenging.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. I won't lie to you. That was one of the most challenging times of our lives for our family to remain focused and playing the important parts and roles that we all had to play. And then it was even more of a challenge because I was in the tail end of high school, so there were times that I couldn't go do things I wanted to do. I had to make sure I went home and checked on her and made sure she was okay.
Speaker 1:She had her food, she had her necessity, so yeah, Right, and it's not just about logistical pieces, but it's emotional, right. Right, it's about learning how to navigate the grief before loss even happens.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that's a whole other ball of wax because I'm'm dealing with. Oh man, it's three o'clock. I got to get home so I can play cards with my aunt. She loves to play cards, she loves to play dominoes. So let me get home so I can be there for her, Because when I'm not, I see the effect of it later on. She's like you don't care about me and I'm like oh no, can't do this, you know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. And when I think about times where my mom was going through it with her health and you're talking about me, my brother and sister, another piece that shows up. So, on top of it already being hard, there's like this beautiful thing called family dynamics. Oh yeah, and that can make things even harder, that part, yeah. So, corey, I think today we've agreed that we're going to talk about the emotional, practical and even the beautiful sides of this journey. And because, while it can be tough, it can also be one of the most meaningful roles we'd ever play in life, mm-hmm, yeah. So if you're currently taking care of an aging parent, or even if you're just starting to notice changes that one was a big theme for me recently is you're starting to notice these changes or even if you're reflecting on your own future, this episode is for you.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So let's get into it, let's do it. So let's get into it, let's do it. So let's start with the emotional side of this, because I think for many people the hardest part isn't the paperwork or the doctor's visits. But we do acknowledge that that's difficult. It's the emotions that come with it, right?
Speaker 2:Yeah. So the emotional issue is usually catching you off guard. It's not happening when you think you know oh, we're in the hospital and we just heard some bad news. Most of the time, you're pretty strong because you're trying to be strong for that person that you're there with.
Speaker 2:It hits you a little bit later because you start reflecting, and that's when you have to have a lot of emotional intelligence how to deal with that, where to deal with that. I know that you can't control every aspect of that, but being in the store shopping probably is not the best place to have a breakdown. You want to try to hold it together to where you're, you know, in a space that's going to be easier for you to deal with that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I think. Locations, everything, yeah, um, and I think it gives you this space and it gives you the grace and the self-love to process it in a place where you feel safe, right For sure. So, speaking of safe, I don't know, corey, if you've dealt with this like when you were taking, or when we were taking care of your mom, or even you with your aunt. Was there any guilt?
Speaker 2:involved Lots of guilt there. Any guilt involved lots of guilt, lots and lots of guilt, because you're constantly blaming yourself for things that were was pretty much out of your hands. You had no control over it. But there is a lot of rewards. There's a lot of. I did that, I made it happen, I was there for that. Oh my god, what would I have done if I had to did this, but I did this instead. So, man, so you get a lot of kudo moments, but you do have a lot of guilt as well. Like I said, you know, if it's three o'clock and you're supposed to be home and it's Monday through Friday and you've committed to that, then you feel bad. You know, walking in at four, thirty or five o'clock knowing that, man, I really needed to be here for this test or this basketball game. I'm on the basketball team. And then the reality sets in because, as you get older, you realize I'm not going to be a basketball star, I'm not going to be in the NBA.
Speaker 2:So what is this really for? You know what I mean?
Speaker 1:Yeah, so it's those type of things so it sounds like there's guilt for not doing enough, or like feeling overwhelmed and and this happened with me, if I'm going to be honest with your mom like I felt guilty for even thinking I need a break yeah right. It's like oh why? Why would you say that? Why are you thinking?
Speaker 2:that right? How many times have we said that, even outside of? Yeah, you know, and so I could see where you might fall into that, that space of oh? Why did I say that?
Speaker 1:and then another emotion I experienced was grief, so I think the grieving of that person not being the same person that you knew, or there's some kind of loss whether their ability to do their daily living activities is decreased or they're forgetting things. You know.
Speaker 2:So let's talk about that a little bit, jen. That's a really touchy situation for a lot of people, because you start to notice conversations begin to be very repetitive. Stories are being told multiple times instead of just once. Questions are being asked that you know, the answer is known. Well, I tell stories multiple times, oh yeah, but I mean you're not telling a random, not a random story.
Speaker 1:As if it's the first time. As if it's the first time, okay, got you.
Speaker 2:And then the questions are like did you turn the porch light on? Yes, I turned the porch light on when I came home, and then maybe 10, 15 minutes later, oh, did you turn the porch light on? Yes, I turned the porch light on when I came home, and then, maybe 10, 15 minutes later, oh, did you turn the porch light on? And then you start to notice like wait a minute, something's happening here and it's jolting in the beginning, because you're like wait, I just told you that. But as it sets in, you're like, oh boy, we're about to go through something, because I'm starting to see patterns here.
Speaker 1:Yes, and you take note of those.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And for sure you and I have not been dismissive of any of the patterns we're noticing.
Speaker 2:No.
Speaker 1:But it really puts things into perspective, right? Absolutely so then, with you, corey, it's just you and I. For your mom Right now, well, you're the only child and I, of course, am 100% all in when it comes to that. For me, like I said earlier in the episode, I've got my brother and sister, so family dynamics can be super tricky and my mom has quite a few sisters who are very close, right. So I think there's the who's doing what conversation, and I'm going to say this is very important, this is what I've learned You've got to have the conversation before the whole thing takes place.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I don't think very many families do this right. Where you talk about okay, let's talk about power of attorney, advanced directives, a will, who's going to do what? Who's able to do these things?
Speaker 2:right. But the question is who wants to do that? Yes, and as much as we don't want to, it's a necessity to do that, because there's two things, but one thing we can count on for sure that's going to happen to everyone, and that's everyone will pass away yeah, that's one thing we can depend on.
Speaker 1:You're right, it's very certain yeah.
Speaker 2:So it's important to have those conversations. It's important to have that in the back of your mind and sometime at top of the mind, because that's when you're going to act on it, that's when you're going to make those phone calls to the family members that you know. Hey, I need to have a crucial conversation with you, and it's not going to be about fun times. It's going to take a little bit of effort and patience to have this conversation.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's going to take a little bit of effort and patience to have this conversation. Yeah, so in closing, for family dynamics, there's always that perception of one person, or a few people are carrying more of the weight than the other. So I really like what you said. What are you willing and able to do? And trying to have that space with no judgment right and maybe we start reframing with okay, you're just, you're less involved at this point right it doesn't mean that they care any less.
Speaker 1:There may be things going on in their life, right that doesn't make them an adequate caregiver at the moment yeah and so just honoring that, okay. So then let's talk about the added layer of what your parents expect from you. Yeah, so some parents are very independent and refuse help. Yep, then there's the other kind of parent that expect you to do what ever.
Speaker 2:Yes, they want, and whatever you're supposed to do, that's right. Ever anyone else is suggesting you to do right?
Speaker 1:so drop everything and do this for me, right? So how do we deal with this?
Speaker 2:uh, very carefully if I say myself, If I say to myself no, you have to set up boundaries. You have to be very much so aware of what is needed and what is wanted. If you don't know what's needed, then you might end up refusing to do something that should have been done because you thought it was a want. That should have been done because you thought it was a want. And I learned that very quickly with my mom especially her coming out of the hospital and not being able to get out of the bed at first, and then needing help to the restroom, and it was just a ton of things that you had to figure out in real time. And so my question to her was what do you need? What do I need to be here for? So I can prepare for that?
Speaker 2:And I even found myself taking off days from work because I just needed to figure it out, Like, what does she do from the time she wakes up until the time she goes to bed at night? And what I found and I'm going to just tell this quick story was that my mom was literally waking up at five o'clock in the morning, but she wouldn't get out of the bed until about 6.30. And so my question to her is why are you laying there for almost an hour and a half before you call me and tell me Because I'm up, I'm getting dressed, I'm preparing for my day? If I knew, oh she's up, let me go down here and help her. She was like, oh well, I didn't know. And can I blame her for that? Can I fault her for that? No, so now we're having the conversation. Mom, what time do you wake up? Oh, I'm up at 5. So's do this, let's do that, let's get this taken care of. And so you got to figure out what the want and what the needs are.
Speaker 1:It's a really good point and with you bringing that up, it just made me think. What we're presenting right now in today's episode is from the caregiver's perspective. But your mom is very independent. Can you imagine her guilt, her grief in being the one who has to receive the care?
Speaker 2:Yeah, she still talks about it. She still feels so bad that you know I needed the heater on and that ran you guys's bill up and I just had to keep asking for stuff and I didn't want to do that and I just wish I could have paid you back or given you some more money, or or did this or did that. And I'm like mom, it's not that serious, we're good you know.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, yeah, definitely yes. And, by the way, if you are new to us, please know, cory's mom is alive and well and she's back home living independently, and she's just such a strong woman, strong willed, and I really believe she willed herself through that oh yeah along with her faith and just the love that she was receiving.
Speaker 1:Yeah, she definitely thrives to survive yeah, so I want to put here a plug in that, um, there are caregiver, caregivers and support groups, resources and even professional mediators that help with this kind of thing. So I'm going to make sure to link some of those services in the notes on this episode. So you have that, and we want you to know that you're not in this by yourself. Can we tackle that?
Speaker 2:just real quick.
Speaker 2:Sure Because a lot of people don't think that, oh, I don't really want people in my house, I really don't think she needs that. Oh, you know what? I think we're fine, we're able to get her to and from here and there and make sure this is done. These resources are so valuable, so needed. It's necessary because the weight of trying to do your life, live your life, take care of your life If you got little ones, or even animals, pets, fur babies you kind of take care of them too, and then you add on the added pressure of taking care of an individual who's sun setting in their life and and you need help, yeah, and it's nothing wrong with it.
Speaker 1:Absolutely so, if you all are. I'm just going to do this now If y'all are curious what some of these groups may be. There's AARP I just actually followed them on Instagram today, so their resources on aging and caregiving. I actually followed them on Instagram today, so they're resources on aging and caregiving. The second one is the National Institute on Aging, so these are health and caregiving guides. And the last one I'll give here is the Caregiver Action Network, so it's tips for caregivers managing stress Really cool stuff. All right, so, corey, let's start with, or let's go into, the practical side, because at some point it's not just emotional, it's about making real life decisions. Yeah Right, so one of the biggest decisions is is what kind of care does my parent need? In my culture, I have not seen not a one person on my family, and I come from a really big family where, as they were aging, they were put into a home. Actually, I had one that was in an assisted living facility, so that was just the one, but even a family member was working there.
Speaker 2:That's true, and we were always there.
Speaker 1:So the question is what kind of care does my parent need? But even a family member was working there, that's true, and we were always there, right? So the question is what kind of care does my parent need? And then, do they need help with daily tasks or are we talking full-time medical care, right, right? So there's options there, and this episode isn't meant to be a teaching one, but again, we'll put this on the notes. So you've got in-home care, oh, we hope you learned something yeah.
Speaker 1:So in-home care, like I mentioned, assisted living, then there's skilled nursing facilities and then respite care. A lot of people don't know about this one. This is temporary care, so families can take a break, right, and then you? So you leave your family there for a bit, the member, and then pick them back up. But these are really great because people need respite. Yeah, they need to take a break.
Speaker 2:Not to mention make it easier on yourself. So, if you can meal prep and get meals for the whole week done, yes, that saves time.
Speaker 1:There's quite a few programs out there.
Speaker 2:And then there's some communities uh, we actually live in one where, uh, they have meals on wheels that deliver, uh, at least two meals a day, uh, breakfast and lunch to uh the the aging person's home, yeah, and all you got to do is go out to the curb and pick it up or they'll drop it off, you know, to the house or whatever you know. But do the things that are going to make life a little bit easier for you.
Speaker 1:Right, and they, they're prepared per the diet that your family member has to be on. Yes, it's a beautiful service. Okay, let's. Let's be real here. There's the money side of things, and we are very close to someone who's going through this now. Um, because, let's be real, care is not cheap no, that's not right.
Speaker 1:So this is why it's essential that you have legal and financial documents in place early. So, if you're listening, you haven't had a conversation with your parents yet, like now is a good time to start. So, again, power of attorney. Who's making these decisions for you should something happen, or you can't verbalize or you're not able to cognitively give your opinion on what you want done, and so that leads into medical directives, right? And then there's financial planning for long-term care and, corey, I was just at a seminar this weekend or this past weekend, and I thought we really need to be about our business and planning for long-term care, because it is expensive. It's offensive how expensive this is. So we're studying all about it. I'm sure we'll have an episode soon on it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and just to give you another side note and tip, start having that conversation with your parents or your aging family member. Where are your important documents?
Speaker 1:Yes, Good one.
Speaker 2:Where do you put your important information? Obviously, the will would be there if there is one. If there's nothing, hey, let's sit down and talk about writing a will out or getting a will together. But you definitely want to know where all the medical records are. You want to know where the insurance cards, all of that stuff, all of the stuff and policies uncomfortable stuff too, guys because you know people don't like to tell you oh my, I keep a stash of money here, or I keep a they're mad money, yeah, they're mad money over here in this cubby hole, or I put the credit card that I don't like to use because it's you know this or that. Those are the kinds of conversations that that I had to have with my mom and I said look, mom, I need to know where you put your stuff because if something should happen and I got to come to your house, I don't want to be looking for a needle in a haystack. Just tell me where to go, what to pull, what to get.
Speaker 1:So I can already.
Speaker 2:I know where the keys are, I know where everything is, so there's not going to be any surprises for me going to her house if something should ever happen.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that's a good point because, you know, in Southern California we just have them fires, and so a lot of the things that I've been reading people giving tips on what they learned through this and one of it is keeping a digital copy of all these important papers Right, or having everything in one place, so it's a quick grab and go.
Speaker 2:Right Type thing. Right, it's interesting. You said that, jim, because my mom and I had this conversation. We've been through two, two fires together. My mom and I, um, and what had happened was she had to leave her house suddenly, and so I had to go to her house at the time and get some things that she asked me to get, because I didn't want her to drive through there. And so I was like mom where? And so this is what started this conversation. She said in the closet, in the blue suitcase above the shoes, and then you pull this lever. I'm like wait what? And so I go in there and it nothing was what she explained. It was the wrong color suitcase, it was just a mess. So I I said, hey, I'm here today, let's talk about this, show me where this stuff was, where it is. And so that's how that came about, where I found out. You you know where the secret spots were.
Speaker 1:Yeah, or even get a safe right.
Speaker 1:Yeah even a? Safe, yeah, Okay. So we don't want this whole conversation to feel heavy, because even in the hardest moments there's beauty, yeah Right. So, Corey, I loved spending time with your mom when we were her caregivers, and every moment we have with our parents is one where we really connect with them. I think the intention has magnified by a whole lot. So to be able to hear their stories and both our moms are excellent storytellers and they remember the details and they're just so funny and being able able to ask questions that you know you've never asked before.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 1:You know that's an opportunity there and then sharing stories with them. I just recently told my mom a story that she had no idea existed.
Speaker 2:Oh really, oh yeah, oh nice, I love those moments.
Speaker 1:Uh-huh, yeah. So, even though it's hard, it's also a way of giving back, because they took care of us and now we get to return the gift that they gave us.
Speaker 2:And it's a little bit fun if you want to know the truth, like sometimes not being mad at them or yelling at them or being stern with them. Sometimes it's just saying you know what. I kind of know where you were coming from when you said this, so now it makes sense yeah, yeah, I love that.
Speaker 1:So small moments matter. Um, I'll share some small moments with me, my mom, that we love cooking together, watching old movies. You know that we've seen time and time again and I love how we watch it like it's the first time we've seen it.
Speaker 2:Seven bride for seven brothers. There it is. I came into the room and heard that movie play.
Speaker 1:I'm like okay we're doing yes, we're doing that kind of movie and then then looking through old photos.
Speaker 2:Yeah, oh, who doesn't like that, unless it's traumatizing? Yeah, I get that too.
Speaker 1:So what moments do you have with your mom, Corey?
Speaker 2:Small moments that you're going to hold on to Small moments are early morning conversations and then family trips that we used to take come up family members that have passed away, moments that we had with them. My dad's passed away, my, my older sister, has passed away, so we have those conversations. Those are good moments because you know, you're just sharing back and forth your experience and your point of view, and what's what's uh exciting is that my point of view is not her point of view, and vice versa, so I'm telling a whole nother story, whereas you know, my parents loved to fish when they were younger, so they would take us and that was the greatest times of their lives. It was the most awful, torturous, just ugh. I hated fishing. I hate fishing till this day because of that, and so I'm hearing her side of it, and she just had a blast Thought it was the best thing since sliced bread, and I'm like, oh no, you'll never get me in another fishing trip.
Speaker 1:Right, okay, so all right. Before we wrap up, we want to leave you with an Elevate Challenge. Uh-oh, something I don't think that I've ever done, just straight up, but this week we challenge you to take time to have a meaningful conversation with an aging loved one.
Speaker 2:Good challenge.
Speaker 1:Yeah, ask him about their childhood. Yeah, right, their biggest lessons, funniest memories, whatever it is. Because once those stories are gone, like you know, you just think about man. I get to have another chance to hear a great story. Yeah, and if you're in the middle of caregiving, remind yourself that you are doing an incredible job. It's not easy, but it's important. Okay. So again, we're going to leave some resources in the show notes. An incredible job. It's not easy, but it's important, okay. So again, we're going to leave some resources in the show notes and, as always, we appreciate you listening and tuning in. To take the elevator, right, yeah, well, you know, as a dick elevator, we say look up and let's elevate.
